Sporadic update

As I sit down to update, there's a wave of depression sadness that hits me.  I think it's all the stress/anxiety/struggle I've had recently.  I just feel very defeated and stuck. I know this feeling will pass but I hate when they hit....so I try to focus on things I do have control over.

I just [reluctantly] put in my notice at the Emergency Clinic that I work at.  School starts next month (ahh!) and I just can't do 2 jobs, school and working on me.  I know it is for the best- I may even be able to go back at some point.  This time being a technician :D

Since I am starting to work on my priorities (i.e. school over 2 jobs, working out over focusing on work), I am already starting to hit resistance again.  I went through this the first time I focused on me.  I thought that since they saw that I lost weight and was doing good that I wouldn't encounter it during the second round.  Boy was I WRONG.
The only person I have on my side (in my house) is my sister and even she isn't 100%.  No one can see why I spend so much on gyms/trainers/etc.  It's hard to explain....sometimes.  I am not an uber motivated person.  So when I find a place or person that motivates me/gets me excited to go I cling to that.  They usually understand why I'm putting myself first and focusing on me.  I am 31 years old and I have had way more things in my life that have affected by body then I should have.  Which I am fine with but given that I am getting older and my calling in life is very physically demanding-  I need to get myself back in check.  My job was much easier when I was much more fit.

In that voice- I am sad to say I will be cancelling my OrangeTheory membership.  As much as I do love it- it doesn't challenge me the way I like.  I like lifting weights, being physically challenged but not just in the generic cardio sense (treadmills).  I have gotten myself a Groupon for Title Boxing.  They are a gym that does boxing & kickboxing, as well as personal training with weights.  I am every excited and nervous.  I am not in the shape I used to be, but I know this will kick my butt and I will love it.  The Groupon I acquired gets me wraps and gloves (YAY!).  A friend of mine goes there and swears by it.  I'm just excited because I love to hit things. ;)
I did 1 or 2 sessions of boxing WAY back when I very first had a personal trainer.  It was so much fun...my whole body was sore and the time flew by.  I just need something that gets me excited.  I am going to sign up for my first class either next Wednesday or next weekend. I will make a note in my phone to update with how that goes.  :)

I'm ready for the inside me to match the outside me.

I have been done pretty good if I do say so myself in the area of tracking food, and I have definitely increased my water in take.  I will be taking a few more baby steps this weekend to be even more prepared then I have in the past.  I am down half a pound.  Not a tremendous drop but a drop none-the-less.  I really need to get moving...read the above, that will be fixed soon enough. :D

The love of my life...my Wiggle-Butt gave me quite a scare this weekend.  I have been watching his liver levels for quite some time.  The boy does have quite an array of issues and recently I've had to increase meds that do affect the liver.  This time we pulled his blood and once we spun it down to be sent to the lab, his serum looked yellow.  Now for those of you not in the animal field, or have any friends/family in there- yellow serum is a very strong indication of liver failure/issues.
So I spent Friday night....ok we're all friends here, I spent my weekend curled up, loving on my boy and some tears were shed.  Come Monday, results are 100% perfect.  In fact the boy has never had more perfect levels.  I don't know how it happened but I'm definitely not going to argue.

I get nervous when it comes to my boy.  He's now 7 (will be 8 in Dec), and is technically geriatric. :'(  My other sheepie I had growing up had to leave me at the age of 9 [his age].  He had a spinal tumor.  Now my Wiggle-Butt doesn't have a tumor but he's got a myriad of other issues- including degenerative joint disease, hip dysplasia, degenerative disc disease, spondylosis.  So more than likely his hips/back will be his undoing.  Anywho- I get nervous because I'd like this one to get to double digits.  Yes, I am an over worrier....any wonder I am in the field I'm in.

Riley | aka Wiggle-Butt |

Animals are my life.  I have also grown to accept that not everyone is like me, and I will be met with resistance.  I just never thought it'd be my family- who is supposed to support me. Yes, I am weird and following my happiness to work with animals- regardless of what my paycheck will be.  As much as I'd love to get a job I don't totally love and probably more financially stable, it's not in my cards.  I am at my best with animals.

I do wonder what it's like when you are actually surrounded by people who feel the way you do about your job/career.  The only job I've found that 100% in is at my Emergency Clinic.

Do you have a job that you love and no one in your circle gets it?  Or are you surrounded by people who get it and encourage you to go and excel?

Meant Well Still Hurts

So this past week or so has been a little challenging in the health department.  My motivation has not been challenging- I'm getting frustrated, but working on a game plan.  Planning for a full week ends up being to daunting, particularly in my household.  So if I can just plan for the weekend and then spurts of days from there, the hope is that it will yield better success then partially planning for a full week.

Goals for the upcoming week:

1. FitBit is set for 7,000 steps as my goal each day...hit that goal every day!
2. Orange Theory twice a week
3. Drink at least 24oz of water a day

Even though they are small goals...they are mountain-like for me.

My stress level has been a little high lately.... mainly due to school.  I have decided to go back to school to get my BA in Veterinary Technology.  Short term view this will allow me to be a Vet Tech and use my knowledge that makes me too experienced for reception work to better use.  So now I am dealing with FAFSA and [trying to] obtain(ing) a student loan.  Now that I'm an adult and have debt, I'm working on fixing my credit score- it makes it harder.  I have Summer term registration coming up next week so I'd really like to know about FAFSA soon....so I know if I have to find a way to get a loan.
My dad has known about this for some time.  I have now had 2 conversations regarding my career of choice.  The first one was expected and decent- asking what this would mean for me in my job and such.  This conversation was not bothersome as no one really gets my passion for animals, or my job in general.  So explaining is something I'm used to.  The second conversation we had was a bit more harsh.  It was a very selfish "keeping up with the Jones'" conversation.  The statement that sticks out in my head is, "you'll never even come close to $45,000" {salary}.  The only response I could give was this:  But I'll be happy.
I understand his concern but at the same time, he is also the one who has always told me to go for what makes me happy.  Money doesn't buy happiness.  I am well aware, and have accepted that my job doesn't get me a lot of money.  Especially in this God-forsaken state.  This degree would open up a lot of doors for me...doors that I care about.



 

Maybe my career will get me closer to him (Ian Somerhalder)

I would love to work for an animal rescue, sanctuary, etc.  This degree would be my in, my experience.  Animals are my passion and have accepted my oddness in my circle of friends/family.  I do however get tired of explaining myself over and over again to my family.  The only one who gets it but doesn't get it is my sister.  She doesn't have a passion but she gets mine.  She doesn't question it and has accepted that I'm a little "crazy" or "obsessive" when it comes to my pets, or animals in general.

Ian Somerhalder is an inspiration of sorts to me.  He is all about going Green, helping the environment, and animals.  He's been given awards by the Human Society for his work.  Then we throw in the fact that he's just gorgeous- what's not to love. :)  He's taking his stardom and challenging people to change the world for the better.  He's got his own foundation that is doing great things.  Among many projects, one they are working on is to set up animal sanctuary...Let's be the fit for the misfits! 

 

 

Taking control over what little things I do have control over is what will bring me my sanity.  That's what I'm hoping anyway.  Or even just keep me oblivious to the chaos around me.  Last time I focused on me (100%), I lost my weight and didn't have as much anxiety/stress regarding things surrounding me.  I need to get back in that mindset - that is the only thing that can save me now.  Otherwise I may just eat my stress all the way to 300# at the rate I'm going.  Thankfully no huge jumps on the sale numbers but they're going up and not down.

Also if I'm going to be flying solo- such is my social life given my 2 jobs, I should at least be comfortable in my own skin.  Right now I'm not comfortable in my own skin and I am letting my stress and anxiety have control, which means there is not a whole lot of restraint  self control going on- that needs to change ASAP.  I can't expect to draw people/guys in when I'm not comfortable with myself/how I look.  How can I expect to land the man of my dreams (aka Mr. Somerhalder) when I'm not in control of myself?!

 

Meeting this man is #1 on my Bucket List

Here's hoping that the next entry has some better news on the personal front.  I mean this entry couldn't get any better given the man main topic of my ranting. ;)





Disappointment and anixety abound

In the month since my last post I did not have as much success as I would have liked.

I did go down a pound and a half in one week just to go up 4 the next....and another half pound following that. Needless to say I am quite nervous to weigh in on Monday.  I am however going to be more diligent in the changes that I say I'm going to do.

I'm very tired of being a person who says and doesn't follow through.  Now, no one knows about the lack of follow through......but I do!  I do not want to continue this way.  I'm done back sliding.  I have ordered my vitamins, one being a Green Coffee supplement. I know it's an aide that I don't necessarily need but I need it more for my morale then anything else.  I need to see the numbers on the scale go down.  I may have gone up in my weight but it's not falling off like it did before- I am not the same person I was before.
I've already lost the weight- 2nd time around is going to be a lot harder.  Not to mention I am older.  I will not let this be an excuse, nor will I let my knee slow me down (any more).  I also ordered a joint supplement- that should, once loaded, will help with the swelling and pain.
Food is going to be my focus for Fri, Sat and Sun.  Sunday I will be starting fresh in the exercise dept.  I walked with a good friend of mine that I haven't seen in about 4 months last night.  We walked, total = ~3 miles/a 5k.  We walked about a mile and a half to the restaurant and then walked that back to her house.  I was excited- got in 11,000 steps that day and walked 5 miles total for the day.

I love having the FitBit. It definitely encourages me in my step taking.  I kind of feel bad on the days that I just veg out and relax- very small amount of steps.  This will be another goal in the tweaking of exercise- getting in at least a mile a day of walking.  Even if it's just around my neighborhood.  I have to make it a priority like I once did.  I know it will exhaust me with everything else I have going on but I will be happier. 

Having control over something is very much needed right now.  My job has been quite stressful- I need to get out of the small office atmosphere.  I need actual bosses who are just that.  Someone who is a boss and does just that.  NOT someone who is a boss on top of their other job.  I don't like having someone who cannot separate being a coworker from being a boss.  It gets too messy!!!  I've only had one boss that was really good at that.  I miss having her as my boss....everyday.

Needless to say, the weight and work are making my anxiety go into overload.  The hope is that come next update I will have good news.  Stress should hopefully be down (new job even? maybe? hopefully?) and so should the anxiety.....and the weight. ;)

And my friend added this: Nope sorry I believe this is missing an extra few choice words you'd say with it

 



Gearing Up for a Fight



Today I was blessed enough to have the day off from work.  I will be using the day to get set up for a successful week.  I will be food prepping.  I will also be planning my workouts. 

 

I have joined a new gym.  I was quite hesitant in even going in for the free class...group training really isn't my thing.  I actually kind of love it!  An hour workout where you wear a HR monitor and go into different zones- interval training.  Apparently it's like HIIT classes.  My first class I burned 544 calories....and then the next day my body was destroyed, and sore all over.  I felt fantastic!!

 

Little looksie at OrangeTheory Fitness

 

 

I will be starting off this week right- hitting OrangeTheory twice a week and then doing cardio/walking at home after work (at least 30mins).  Then I'll have my food planned out.  I am revving myself up.  I have to get my rear in gear- a good friend of mine is coming down in March.  She wants to meet up to work out.  I have to have a bit better stamina and be in better shape, as last time we worked out it was disgusting.

 

So I weighed in today.  I am at 221.5# -  goal for February is to be down at least 5-10#.  This, if not more, is definitely doable as long as I stick to my guns....and get my willpower back up to where it was.

 

I look forward to checking back in!

A Rambling Return

My wonderful friend has sold me a laptop of hers, which makes me happy in a myriad of areas.  This helps me with access to my bills, school and updating this lovely little blog.  :D

I am nowhere near the goal I had set for myself come my birthday.  My birthday has come and passed and I am actually a tad heavier than I was. This does not make me happy....however, at the same time I don't have anything or anyone to blame but myself.
I no longer have Alpha or Beta as my trainer(s).  Somehow I always end up with really knowledgeable trainers with smart mouths that don't do well with management.  One gets fired and the other gets kicked out.  Neither are doing personal training anymore and now I'm back at square 1.  I had this conversation with my sister and friend at lunch the other day.  I am not a person who is self motivated....to a certain extent.  I need that person to push me to do things that I don't think I can do or don't want to do.  I have set up to try out a boxing/kickboxing gym but I think I might be better served at an overall gym- one that has other classes along with training. Basically like I had back when I was training at Gold's.  I loved and am still friends with my trainer from there.  Flakey and unreliable he could be but we worked well together- he worked for me.  Life being what it is caused issues and things didn't end the way I had anticipated.

I am now getting a fire back...I'm feeling good about finding a new gym.  Even if I don't get a trainer right away- getting back to a gym that has classes, like spinning (LOVE spinning).  I need something to move me/excite me to get my rear end back in the gym.  I KNOW I can and will do this.

NO MORE EXCUSES!

I have to gain some control.  Right now I feel like I have no set control on anything going on right now.  I am waiting to hear from school to see if I've been accepted into the Veterinary Technician program.  I want this so bad.  It was a bit of a confirmation when I had my review and one of the doctors told me- it's great that I have all this experience, probably too much experience.  I tend to give too much information over the phone of things people can do at home and not making it a priority to bring them in for appointments.  Anywho- that's weighing on my mind and generically my pocket.  I am working 2 jobs and even though the one job is just once a week it's killing my schedule.  I can't quit though....need the $.  At the same time this once a week job makes me feel slightly social.

While trying to get things set up on here I found my old Photobucket account, which had this picture stored:

This was taken before a friend's wedding.  This guy was nice enough to go with me- good friend and I miss him.  I have been having this overwhelming, sadness I guess I'll go with. Missing some friends I haven't seen or talked to in a long time.  I have no social life- maybe that's what happens when you grow up, are an adult.  You have the people you work with and the friends you see or talk to from time to time.  I think that's also part of why I get invested in gyms and trainers- another social outlet.

Alright enough of my rambling/venting.  I'll be sure to plan out a better update for the next one- I was just wanting to get something written to get into the habit again.

The Never-ending Battle

Ok....so....I officially suck.  I am 10 days away from my birthday (the big 3-1 if you were wondering).  Which I am assured by a friend that 31 will be okay- he's making it to 32 alright. :)

Not only have I not lost the weight I wanted to- I think I went up a tad.  My muscles are getting stronger- which leads me to my next conundrum: am I having a hard time losing weight because of my habits/body changing or because I'm strengthening and working with weights?!?!?  

Forgive the tantrum I'm about to have.  I am very aware that I just have to reign in the crazy "Fat Monica".  I keep getting on this damn horse and falling off.  I know what it's like to ride the horse and it is glorious.  Now I just have to remember how to stay on the horse...how I did it in the past.  I know I let my will power dissolve but I know it's still in here somewhere.  I just wish I was done with this battle.  Food should not be something I'm think locked into.  It is something that I should just use as fuel and not be so wrapped up in it.

I have Sunday and Monday off- I will be prepping all food for the week.  When I am prepped and ready I do so much better and my will power is a bit stronger.  Then I will be putting a picture of me from when I was skinnier on my lock screen.  I just so desperately want to get the drive I had back!!

Other than this issue everything else is glorious.  The day practice is fantastic- love everyone, no stress.  Emergency practice is drama central but one day a week I can handle it.  Trainer #2 - Beta - makes me feel old with him being all of 22. :/  He's fun though- entertaining which is what I need when I'm training.  Anything to keep me occupied on something other than my body falling apart. 

Working so much has it's down falls- even though it helps my bills.  Like tonight- I missed a birthday gathering for my friend, which really sucks.  Making things a bit worse I'll be alone for my birthday weekend as my family is going out of town.  Not that I'm huge into birthdays- I'm used to just doing dinners but normally I have people.  Not this year.  I'm really hoping these things are not a precursor into the year I have coming for 31.  That would really be no bueno.

Enough whining and rambling on about nothing....until next update!

My birth month has arrived!

Here's a quickie just to keep my rhythm.  We are in October....October the month of my birth...we are on October 6th- this gives me 24 days to lose 15#.  I need to get my butt in gear- HARD CORE!  

I was sick all this week.  Needless to say all my goals for the week were shot to h-e-double hockey sticks.  I plan on getting back on track this coming week.  I have to get 5 days of cardio in from now on.  It's a must- between that and my diet there's no other way for me to get these pounds off.  I've been pussy-footing around for long enough.  I am not happy with where I am.  Hard core Heather has got to get back on her game.

Setting up to restart the training after a week off and reading my Fighter Diet info this weekend to plan out and prep my food come Monday.  I will be back to being productive.  I feel better overall due to lack of work stress (yay!) so now I have to get productive again in my personal life.  I will get this all going in the right direction!! :)

Realizing the happy ♥

I told you I was bad about updating....

So regarding the last set of goals I set.  I did not hit any of my weekly goals I mentioned...which kind of sucked but when I made the next week's list I hit 2 out of 3.  I, for the most part, did not stray from my planned food for the week.  I'm still working on tweaking it so I set myself up for success and not cave under pressure.  I was on time to work all week- I was actually early most days!  Yay me!!

Now the monthly goals I set: hit 2/3- again.  I did my weekly food prep and I weighed in every week.  It was not always nice on the weigh ins but they are important to track how I'm doing.  The soda was the goal not hit- I'm bad about needing my carbonated pick me up.  It's not even a caffeine thing...it's a sugar thing.

In the spirit of trying to get my butt down these 15# by my birthday, I am trying something new.  I bought this book dealing with the Fighter Diet program.  I'm excited to try to get more of a strict how-to on the food.  I KNOW what I need to do but I need to get in a good rhythm before I can get it back.  For whatever reason I'm having a really hard time STAYING motivated.   Hopefully if I have a rule book of sorts it'll get me back in gear.  I also am going to have a huge prep day tomorrow (Monday)- taking out meat to thaw and cooking veggies.  Prepping lots of meals and snacks.  I have to find a way out of my excuses.

I also have realized that when I get out of control so do other areas- like my food and finances.  I have been using credit way more than I should.  I have made the final purchase of the book and some other needed items but that's my final purchases.  I shouldn't say out of control because right now I'm not out of control- I'm oddly content.  My family life is at a dull roar (my dad is getting remarried in Dec) and I am rather content in my work life- I love the people I work with.

Maybe that's it- I'm so used to having stress and chaos as staples in my life I don't know how to function when I'm not freaking out/stressing out/sleep deprived.  I don't have stress to blame- all I have is me because in reality, I can afford my bills and food if I stopped petty shopping and eating out.

Alrighty this is the goal setting portion of the blog....

October's goals:
1) Be 15# lighter...in 1-derland by the 30th
2) Drink at least 1 liter of water a day
3) Take pictures of sale items and post!

This week's goals:
1) No PMS eating- keep it under control
2) Cardio 4 days (30-45mins at least)
3) No frivolous spending if have add'l funds

 I'm a big Disney nerd and will always have a movie quote that kind of sums up my feelings :)

How do you like them apples?

2 posts in one week...look at me go :D

Of course this means there may be a big lapse in time because it's rare when I get on a continuous role with this thing.  I have actually tried blogging before and failed.  This round seems to be sticking.  I like anonymity to it.  I know I have a few friends that may, or may not read this but it's freeing to be able to write...or type out my thoughts and feelings and not have to worry if the person reading it is going to judge me because they already know me.

I have gotten some ideas from trying to keep up with others blogs- another thing I don't find myself finding time to do.  I work a lot- 6 days a week and I still don't have a computer that works properly once turned on.  So I find some time when I'm at my weekend job...if we don't have emergencies coming in.  Like right now actually.  Anywho- I think I am going to make monthly goals, and also get back to weighing in each week.  As long as I can keep up with this blog it should help me keep myself accountable, get myself back on track.

On that note-

3 monthly goals:

1. Weighing in each week....good, bad or indifferent (which will be difficult because I hate reporting back if I've had a bad week)
2. Weekly food prep (on Mondays- my day off before my 6 days/nights on)
3. One soda a day...ideally caffine free (been very laxed with that lately due to needing the energy)

I'll be daring now: 4 weekly goals:

1. 3 days of cardio (at least 30mins, no more than 45)
2. Track all food (you would think this would be encompassed in the food prep goal- I have a bad habit of munching off script)
3. Finish moving all important items from computer
4. Take pictures of items to sell...if on a role- post to sell

Alrighty I think that is enough goal setting for now.  I will be writing these down in my notebook - along with the food planning and shopping list.  Here goes the turning of a new leaf and getting my act together!

One of my favorite movies ever

Gearing up

One thing- how the frig do I get pictures to actually show up on this thing!?!?!?  I have tried various ways of doing pictures and they won't stay up.  If anyone knows- please share with me!

Now, that that annoyance has been vented about...on to the good stuff. 

I am signing up as I type to be an Advocare distributor.  I signed up basically for the $50 of free Spark and Slam...also the 20% discount you get as a distributor.  I don't really have anyone to sell to but hey- I'm all about the discount.  If anyone's interested in products or whatnot, let a girl know. :)

In doing this I am amping up to get my booty in gear.  I got 15# to drop in about a month.  This is totally doable if I were to do the 24-day challenge that Advocare has.  It starts days 1-10 with a cleanse and then maintenance...not sure I want to spend the $175 to do that.  I can probably just buy the bits and pieces I want and go from there.  Nervous about doing the cleanse again...last time I did that it was almost disturbing how much I was sweating from detoxing.  I know it'll be like that again with the backsliding that has occurred.  As I type this I think I'm talking myself into it. :)

This week was the first week of me having a regular schedule again.  I love it!  It's going to be great once I get in the swing of things.  I know my job pretty well but there are still some things that are being learned as they come up.  The only thing is the lovely monthly visitor has gotten my food all jacked up.  I can never be too hard core during that week.  My body literally rejects the good food.  Next week though- it's on!

I'm going to be food prepping Monday (that's my only day off).  This will include food shopping for the next 2 weeks.  I'm going to try to budget for 2 weeks worth of food in my paychecks.  No excuses!  I can't have excuses to do this.  I didn't make excuses the first round and I was almost down 100#.  I hate the struggle- I know it is part of the journey.  To an extent anyway. ;)

I am excited for all of this- ready to get into a good routine.  I need to get some sanity back in my life.

If you keep up with me long enough you will learn I love Old English Sheepdogs.  I have one named Riley (who is my first fur baby).  I had a sheepie growing up- Prince.  They are as different as night and day.  Anywho- this will be coming this weekend hopefully. :D
One final attempt at a picture:

"the paw - the head - the wiggle butt"

 

Over a month....

I've been a bit MIA again- still no real computer.  Hoping something cheap comes up for sale soon.  I'd love to not have to rely on my iPhone to check my emails and not having a computer to update this is a big deterrent as well.  Now that I have 2 jobs (2 paychecks) hopefully I'll get everything back on track and can look at getting something new.

I just recently wrote a guest post for my friend Kelly over at Living the Before. When I looked at how she put the post together it came crashing back to me- I need to get my head in the game big time.  I was talking with the BFF and it's one thing to know something but when someone says it out loud (or texting it to you) it can come crashing into your face.  I had lost 70# at my lightest/hard body point...so very close to 100# (that is the part that kinda stung).  I will do it...it just seems like it's hard for me to get back that "hard core" girl that I was when I started this journey.  I know it will happen.  My mini goal is to be in one-derland by my birthday, Oct. 30.  This is very doable.  It's only 15#...this shouldn't be this hard!

When I go to the gym I work my butt off.  I know my diet isn't on point though- which is like 70-80% of the process.  I know with dropping down my hours at the emergency clinic and getting a day practice job I'll be able to have more control.  Control is the wrong word, I always have control- it's just that working nights/overnights it's caffine and carbs that keep me going.  That needs to stop.  I need to stop choosing sleep over food and eat properly.  This new job definitely is okay with that- these people snack all day long.  They are a very relaxed office.  I love them!

I was super excited I got to use this machine the correct way :)

Once I get my finances situated I will be putting some funds aside for food shopping.  I have slacked in that area due to tight paychecks...bills take precedence over food.  I say this because I do live with family- so they buy food, but it's not conducive to me losing weight.  I also need to invest in a good lunchbox...something that I can keep my food with me at work and not have to run to the fridge every 2-3 hours.

I am very excited about this new schedule.  I have set up with Alpha to be training M/W/F every week.  I need to have that set time...gives me accountability because I may have a deal going with him but it's not necessarily cheap.  I can't be wasting my money on training and have my food not be on point.

Hopefully I'll get better at updating this thing...I'll make it a goal for Sept.  Maybe I'll even do another guest post once I hit one-derland. :)

My kickass shirt I bought to motivate myself

(Alpha loves it lol)

**hoping the pictures actually stay up this round**

M.I.A.

I have been MIA due to laziness, exhaustion and being constantly going.

Things are going a bit better in regards to work but I think that is also because I'm being relocated.  Come August I will be at the busiest clinic and see how I do.  I think I'll do just fine because I tend to do better when I'm busy- less time to second guess myself.  I will also be with people who are more willing to help and teach- which is what I need.  When I came to this slow/dead clinic they really messed with my head and what I already thought I knew- they operate completely different.

Working out is still going.  I love training with Alpha!  The only thing I need to work on is my happy face.  He told me the other day I need to stop with the rolling of the eyes.  I don't mean to!  I was thinking about it since he told me that- I think a part of it is my frustration and anger with not just being over weight but also being "handicapped".  Example: I was doing leg extensions on the machine and I was pushing myself (as per usual) but this last set I was pushing a little harder and I hadn't done that in quite a while.  I almost brought myself to tears- I had to get myself in check real quick.  Apparently I didn't do that great of a job because Alpha texted me the next day checking on me, "you looked a little more bothered than usual".

It's true, a good portion of me hates to work out but I think the part of me that enjoys it would take over more if it wasn't a fight at every point.  I know it will be worth it and (Lord willing) will not be this way forever but right now I am struggling, mentally, more than I thought I was.  Part of me knows, it is my own fault in the weight department.  That isn't necessarily the problem where I get upset.  It's the part I have no control over. 

I never had a real down point in regards to my accident and what long term affects I would have.  I know the arthritis- that's slightly whatever.  I say that but I was just cursing myself out today on the drive into work.  It's rainy and humid and my wrist and hip/back were killing me.  My whole body was aching something fierce.  I can't even slack off like a regular person!  When I slack off yes I gain weight but so much more happens.  My joints get extremely stiff and it becomes increasingly harder for me to squat down, to lift things, to walk/run/move quickly, walk decent to long distances.  I was so focused on not taking meds (back story: when I did have down days in the hospital my mom would talk to the doctor and they'd try to get me on anti-depressants.  I did not need meds I just needed to full out mentally deal).  Then when I got released it was keeping up appearances for my mom because she was so dramatic and focused on herself- I didn't want to be a bigger problem.

Lately I have just felt like I need a good cry.  Everything I've watched/read has had me wanting to cry if it is even slightly emotional.  I need to get it out- start fresh on Monday.  I need to be more positive or at least less whiney when I'm working out/training.  I need to not be that kind of pain in the @$$ with Alpha.  I may have a great personality but after so much it's not going to help.  :)

It also hasn't helped that I haven't changed at all scale wise.  The increases in my weight lifted/used is great and was keeping me on a high for a bit.  Now I'm at the point that I'm going to be the strongest fat person he's trained.  We're going to try to tweak some things and I have my vitamins and supplements on board so I'm hoping once I get the food tweaked and my new cardio homework for the days I'm not training (Alpha is making up some routines for me that I can do anywhere) I will see something.  At this point I will take anything.  Whether I eat good or I eat bad- the scale doesn't move!

This also is me- I am always dripping and gross and no scale difference!! Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe me with this round of getting healthy.  Although a nice pick me up was when Alpha says to me the other day- "you always surprise me with how strong you are- how much weight you use". 
I need to add that to my book of good feelings. Yes, I'm a nerd and I keep a little notebook of funny/cute/nice things said to me or about me.  It's nice to look back on every now and then- even though some of them are from people who are no longer in my life.

I got nothing else to ramble about- hope anyone that's reading this has been having a less frustrating season than I have. :)

Should I stay or should I go?????

Things have been on a bit of a rollercoaster...at least mentally.
Going to break this up into 2 little updates....

Work:  My emergency clinic is definitely putting a lot of stress on my body, and my mind.  It is getting a little better but my schedule isn't.  The only thing I can slightly hope for is in mid-August when preggers returns it'll get a little easier and I can get my bearings.  Right now I work from 6pm-1am on Wed & Fri, and then I have an overnight weekend 8-8 Sat & Sun.  This officially sucks (even my coworkers thinks so!).  The stinky schedule along with the stinky coworkers isn't making me want to stay employed here.  Not to mention I'm over not having money...for anything....and not advancing.  At least if I was making crap $ and had a shot at advancing, I'll deal with it but it's a very slow motion going on here.  I don't feel like I'm learning- and the technicians I do have on my side agree.  Since they moved me clinics every thing is wrong, but it's not as bad at other clinics.  I just wish they'd move me.  I'm hoping that it will be coming sooner rather than later.

However, I am still beefing up my resume so I can apply at some places.  Maybe get something where I get benefits again.  I really miss my insurance.  As much as I love my job- maybe relief is all I can do right now.  Getting a job where I can get out of debt and work towards going back to school- then maybe actually come back and be able to be used as reception and tech (not getting any flack- one can only hope).  Sidenote: I decided that I want to be a technician a little while ago.  I don't have my full degree anyway, I only have my AA.  I just want to finish school and be set in a direction.  I really do love my work- I also like working with team player people who want to help you grow (imagine that!).  For right now I don't think that it's in my cards to be here full time- although I'm not ruling out this place all together.  If I can find a Mon-Fri job and work my Wed & Fri/Sat I'd be happy.

Health: So things have been going slow and steady in the work out department.  I feel like I'm losing fat in areas, but also gaining muscle at the same time.  I have only lost 2 pounds so far but I see slight physical changes.  I love my gym and my trainer - and I've never been able to say that before.  Yeah, I like my gym (eh, it's a gym) and my trainer's cool.  This time I really love my gym.  I recommend them to anyone in the Orlando area.

http://fitnessfit4u.com/
(haven't figured out how to make the picture the link)

They discuss nutrition with you, they have group training, personal training (everyone is fantastic & knowledgable...especially Alpha), and they even offer food delivery for those that are on a time crunch or don't want to have to think about eating right.  I am very tempted by this and would love to do this- see first section for restrictions.  I get excited when I have the gym in the agenda!  It used to be excitement just for social reasons- personable trainer, training with the BFF. 




Ariel Yoga!



Now it's excitement because that's MY time.  I get to destress and push my body (in a good way when food is right, and not in the sick way that makes me hit the floor).  I know I say it every entry, and I'll keep saying- the gains on my weights get me excited.  I love seeing that on the machine I'm now curling with 100 pounds!  I'm over 50 on all other machine exercises.  I got put on this god-awful machine last session - it's mainly god-awful because I have to use it backwards because of my knee.  At my last set or 2 I was able to have him add 10 pounds onto the machine without dying!  I was so proud of myself- and have the bruises on my shoulders to prove it! :)  And because I'm in a picture-y type mood, here's the machine:

Just picture a person standing on this thing backwards- face inward towards the mat, in squat form so the shoulder section is on your shoulder and your squatting slanted into the machine.  Let's just say it's awkward...just about as awkward as the 6-foot something man showing you how he wants you positioned in the machine.

What gets you excited about working out?  What keeps you entertained enough to keep going and to come back another day for more!?

Slowly black out

I have inadvertently been doing a low carb diet.  Well, I shouldn't say inadvertently- I was doing it on purpose but more in the aspect of reigning in my eating.  This has always worked for me in the past- I really watch my carbs (in the sense of pasta, rice, bread, crackers), always having one meal with none.  The days that I train I try to really beef up my amount of food and liquid because of it being in a warehouse I know it's extra stress on my body.

Last Friday I hit a brick wall of sorts.  I have been feeling very out of it that whole week - exhausted, all I was doing was sleeping in between times of running errands/eating.  One night I slept 10.5 hours and was still ready for more sleep after breakfast.  I actually did nap for about 30 mins before work.  It's ridiculous!  Well it was at it's absolute worst Friday.  I was training with Alpha- who even said when I walked in he could tell I was only there because I had to be (not good!)- and I was lightheaded/dizzy which was usual for the week.  I just made sure to go slow and steady and take water breaks.  It was really bad that I wasn't sure I'd be ok for work after- I was scared of the drive home after my shift.  I had already had a scare earlier in the week- I was not in the mood to tempt fate.  I tried my hardest to get my shift covered...to no avail.  I tried to finish my session but I looked at Alpha and was like I gotta stop.  Right then and there it took all that I had not to cry.  I was in that exhausted state where you just want to collapse and cry for no reason.  Not long after I said stop I started slightly seeing dark spots, getting shakey and my leg started bouncing (which if anyone watches me enough is my tell of when I'm at my max in anything).  We recounted what I ate that day and he said I was way too low on carbs and mixing that with my exhaustion I was really coming close to messing up my body.  He was nice enough to give me some of his liquid carb supplement (mixed it into my water- which side note: they lie when they say there is not a taste- there is and it is not good).  It was perfect, quick raise in my glucose.  It wasn't until I was more stable before he would let me leave.

Although through this debacle I had one of the best conversations:

Alpha: You want to move to the front? By the fan?
Me: No- can't really get up
Alpha: Want me to carry you?
Me: Really I'm ok, both of us don't need to be broken
Alpha: I'm a big boy I can handle it

And no- he did not carry me. We may revisit that once I'm smaller :P

So I've spent this weekend trying to keep up with my food- if only to keep eating every 2-3 hours so as not to completely screw myself again.  The exhaustion is still there unfortunately so I've been trying various energy drinks to keep me up enough to keep me out of trouble behind the wheel and at work.

I am very excited - my vitamins finally came!  I have been waiting for a while but with recent events I was super anxious for them.  I took just one today (supposed to take 3 tabs/day) to ease in as I can be sensitive to vitamins.  Seemed to work well at first (may spread the 3 out through the day- at meals so I keep the flow).  Come 1:45am crashing hard.  I was eh on my way to work at 7pm and was drinking my Monster which helped combat it for a while but now it's getting harder.

HIT Supplements

I'm excited- they are made for women who exercise & train.  I feel like Alpha trains me harder than I have trained in the past.  If only for the fact that he seems to have more exercises that he can think of in his arsenal for days that something hurts.  I loved my other trainer- he was great, effective but I think like everything in life: you grow, you change and require different things.  I am determined to show the first trainer that I can get this done- as long as you believe in me, and not ditch when I plateau- it can get done.  I feel like this is my time.  This time I will stick with it and things will change.  I enjoy working out more than ever this round.  Before I enjoyed it more in the social aspect than the exercise.  Now, I still enjoy the social aspect but I am more excited about the gains I am seeing in my weights that I lift and work with.

Tomorrow- or today is another session with Alpha.  I will be increasing my vitamins to 2 tomorrow since there was no nauseous feeling today, eating more- even if that means waking up to eat just to go back to sleep until time to go.  Ready to get this exhaustion under control!

What are your goals for Monday to make it a better week than last week?

Old bruises, new bruises, mysterious bruises

It's been a while- to be honest I have not been in the mood.  I have barely keep up with tracking my food and my points for the Super Summer Challenge.  I just have slowly been feeling more and more "eh".  This week unfortunately takes the cake.

I was training with Alpha on Monday and I really had to focus at the end for my legs to hold my body up.  He thought it was my arms and was quick to take the hand weights from me- it wasn't that.  I'm sure it has something to do with my water intake (seriously lacking lately) and my food (not the best as we've run out of some core things to make healthy meals).  I am doing great still and increasing my weights but I'd really love to decrease my physical weight.  I am going to see what I am next week (as I have lost nothing between my first and second weigh in)- if it doesn't go down 1-2 pounds I need to seriously revamp things. Not gonna lie- not really sure how given my financial situation but something will be giving.  I'm also hoping that when my new vitamins come in that will help.  With energy help, I'm also hoping the vitamins will help with the bruising.  I bruise so easily!  It's crazy- I can count 4 bruises on my legs, 1 of which just appeared today and I have no clue where it came from. This anemia thing is for the birds!  2 that I know what I did- the shin/ankle was due to the hell ropes and the knee was from falling on my butt- I was doing shuffles while rubber banded to a wall.  Those are never good exercises for those that are not coordinated.  Not that I'm hoping this vitamin is a miracle- although that'd be nice, if it works and I have a good response then I would feel more open to trying other products I'll definitely let you know how it goes.

I have felt so exhausted this week.  Monday was eh, Tuesday I barely moved from my bed or the couch unless I needed to, and today- I really felt weak while we were at Sea World (for all of the 2 hours grand total that we were there).  Driving into work today was a chore- almost felt like I was dozing.  Good thing this shift I work with great people.  If it was people I wasn't happy with- this could go a lot worse.  I am just very ready to be home and asleep.  Nothing is helping me get my energy up. :/

Speaking of work- I spoke with admin yesterday and I'm anxious for things to change.  I explained to her how uncomfortable I am at the clinic I spend most of my shifts at.  She said she will be looking to have me moved as soon as she can.  It's a situation where I do not feel supported, or helped to do my best.  I get more benefit from my other clinic(s).  I'm sure...well, I know these stress situations play havoc on my body.  I almost forget about it because I'm so used to it until it gets bad and side effects happen.  What happens when you get stressed out? Cranky? Stress eat?  How do you deal with the stress...and the effects?

I have training tomorrow night...7pm.  Slightly hoping that with not having to rush around for things that I will be feeling better.  As I type this my stomach is not very happy and I am very sleepy.  I wish I could sleep in- unfortunately I have a dentist appointment at 11 (I'd reschedule if it wasn't the 4-5th time we've had to reschedule).

Super Summer Challenge, among other things

I have a friend that is doing this little challenge over the summer months, it ends August 31.  The goal is to work on your body as well as your mind.  I love this- this is definitely an area that goes hand in hand.

You have items, she starts you off with some and you can create others that are specific for you, that are put into point categories.  It's really helpful in keeping the eye on the prize....given that you have prizes (that you pick) for the half-way mark of 5,000 points and then a grand prize at 10,000 points.  My prizes are the following: 5,000- I am going to get a 2nd ear piercing (this is the hole I want to have a gaged/stretched- not huge, just a step or 2 up from a basic piercing) & 10,000- there is a pair of Asics sneakers that I've been eye balling and would be great for my workouts.

This may be a quick update- completely drained.  Tonight I had a session with Alpha- he kills me, I always feel great after my workouts.  It gives me a nice little boost when we have to increase the weights after the first set of just about every exercise.  I don't know what it is about this round of training, but it's different.  Not sure if it's me, the trainer, my body- I definitely feel different this round...in a good way.  I keep saying it - hopefully making a self-fulfilling prophecy- it's going to be the round/year that this gets done.

Today I took a look at my super summer challenge points lists- my mind points were really low, not too much down time mentally (need to work on that) and my body points were out of this world.  I need to find more balance.  Which some of those mind points include cleaning around the house- which I desperately need to do.  I need to declutter...I feel very claustrophobic in the house.  Too much junk.  I need to sell, donate, trash stuff.  Now if I just had the down time to do this.  I work nights...my coworker called us vampires- pretty fitting.  I find it very hard to get motivated during day time hours.

What are ways that you motivate yourself to get things done?  I give myself a little goal/prize.  Example: I get the room vacuumed, laundry started, and laundry put away I then get to make myself some popcorn and watch a movie.

I also am going to be starting a new Bible study- this will be something I listen to in the car, or if I have down time at home.  I am very excited.  I think this will definitely help me find some balance.  I miss being able to go to Bible study.  A group of friends are actually holding their own Bible study. 

I'm done- this update is all over the place, no real flow or topic.  I attempted but failed- too tired to focus.  Hopefully next update will have more of a flow or a topic to expand on.

Baby steps

This weekend has been, for lack of better terms, the weekend from hell.  This just applies to my job- which from Friday night to Monday morning I work 31 hours.  I'm getting a break tonight and am able to update...which is hopefully won't be too far and in between while I am in the transition of getting a new computer.  I'm trying to get my stuff off my desktop in bits and pieces while it will let me before it dies and doesn't come back to me.  But I digress- the weekend from hell.

At my job there are 3 clinics that we all can, and some do, rotate around to.  I have been moved to the clinic that is in the boonies with the elderly, white trash, and country bumpkins.  Now this I can deal with- funny, irritating anticdotes.  What I can not deal with however is the staff that is rude and talk to me like I am stupid.  Of all the things I have dealt with in my life- being talked down to like I am stupid/slow/pick an adjective, that is a sure fire way to piss me off (no fuse just BOOM!).  I do not tolerate it, and I have quit jobs for less than some of the things I have put up with in this veterinary industry.  For every awesome vet, vet tech or receptionist I have met there are at least 3 idiots.  I deal with it to the best of my ability- which given I don't want to quit or go off on people, my come off as weak (there's avoidance, crying when speaking to my boss- crying due to stress/anger/frustration).  I am now at the point where I am going to have to have a sit down with my boss and let her know my concerns, also that I'd like to change clinics whenever possible.  Not to mention the crap coworkers on my shift, it's killing me in gas to get here for my shifts (round trip is 60 miles!).  You may be asking, what's new? Everyone deals with crappy coworkers.  'Tis true but I am relatively new and I am not getting a handle on skills I should have which in emergency medicine- no bueno.

Now I have rambled [generically] about my stress issues.  The part I am relatively proud of is this: no emotional eating was done.  Hooray!!!  This is a very big step for me- normally I'd be trying to find Reese's cups, M&M's, cakes.....you get the idea.  I didn't eat crap one time.  Did I almost cry? You bet!  Thank you PMS for that one.  I am very proud of this- baby steps in the right direction eventually lead to leaps in the right direction. :)

What is your stress relief?  Your good/bad habit when you are upset?

To make yesterday even better: I prepped all my food so there was very little to no crap to be found should I have made an effort to stress eat.  I grilled a couple fillets of chicken, made some broccoli & green beans, as well as some Teriyaki rice.  I brought a couple healthy snacks along for the ride, and some breakfast.  It was on like Donkey Kong and I totally kicked the Kong's ass.  :P  Proud doesn't even begin to explain how I felt about that day (well in my every day life).  The only way it would have been better was if I was having a training session right after the hell that was my Saturday shift.

Speaking of training.  I am so happy with my gains- I have been able to add weight to something every time I train.  I love it!  The only thing I am now slightly scared of is that I haven't been quite as sore after my training- good thing: gaining muscle (getting my strength back), bad thing: I'll have to tell Alpha (that's what we'll call my trainer) he will have to step up his game.  I love training!  I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I love being pushed- I am not the best at pushing myself.  I know at some point I will have to do it on my own but right now I do not feel that I have the skills to do so.  I need the help from someone who knows what they're doing.  So I 've got Alpha doing the physical aspect, and then I have a friend in Cali who's helping give me advice on my nutrition.  Which as you can guess is my biggest down fall of all.  Of course we all know, weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise.  I'm so glad I struggle on the 80% portion! (:/)

In case it hasn't become apparent, I am one who is able to laugh at themselves- find humor in life's unpleasantries.  I believe this comes from years of mocking and having to put on a straight face.  This is not always people's cup of tea- they take me a bit too literally sometimes.  I do understand that some people don't view it as funny all the time- unfortunately that was how I coped.  "If I don't laugh, I'll cry" - so I laughed, a lot.

I have more hope for this round.  I don't know why- I say it every time I attempt to lose weight.  I really do feel like this could be the turning point for me.  I am done with everything being in limbo, or in a cluster.  So I am working very hard on going through my stuff at home- dumping what I don't want and selling what I can for extra $$$.  Doing all I can to get my finances balanced - there are more things that I need to just be able to function then I can afford at the present time.  I also need to drop things that aren't a necessity.  This means I will be having to for-go what very small social life I do have.  This is my punishment for not having the right financial skills.  The only odd thing- I'm ok at this point with no social life.  I live to sleep anyway since the only people I see when I'm awake are coworkers at ungodly hours.  Who needs daytime socializing?!

I could continue to ramble- as I am at work and it is 5:15am, I have 2 hours left and am fading very fast.  Tired doesn't being to explain me right now.  I am dreaming of 9:00am - this is the time I will be home and on my way off to dream land.



Ok...Let's do this!

This is the first post, hopefully, of many.

I started this because originally I had a fitness and nutrition page on FB- didn't really help me to keep track of my food/exercise and was only minimally effective in getting feed back and motivation.  I viewed it more as a chore than anything.  Not really how you want to view something you intend to keep up with...just like exercise and eating healthy.  I believe it shouldn't be a chore to keep it up.  I should WANT to do it, get excited even.  This is not always the case for me.

Ever start and stop something a million times? Each time swearing that this is going to be the last time you start it- you will continue and make it through to your goal.  You are going to rock it like it's never been before.  This is me...only I have yet to making it to, rocking the goal like it's never been before.  I've come insanely close one time, but then life got in the way and knocked me slightly off track.  Well, then I let it continue to go off track and apparently was oblivious to the snowball the size of Montana that was rolling.

"What is this snowball the size of Montana?", you may ask.  That would be the ever growing epidemic of obesity/weight.  I have had a lot of things happen in my life the last, let's say, 8 years.  I wasn't always a chunky kid- I was quite tiny.  The nickname Olive Oil was heard a lot in my childhood.  It wasn't until that pesky time of puberty came.  I ballooned up- the weight came on inexplicably fast, along with the glasses (I'm surprised I haven't been told I'm legally blind), and of course the zits (what is puberty without those?!).  Still I was active- mom had me in ballet, tap, jazz.  Which random side note- parents: do NOT force your children to do dance if they are uncomfortable in spandex...especially if they are the chubby kid (commence mocking of said child). 

Anywho- we'll jump forward to my early 20's.  I was in a very bad car accident.  We're talking- in the hospital off and on for 6 months, had what seemed like a million CAT scans and MRI's, along with 2-4 surgeries.  Oh! I also lost all dignity- you have none when they are looking at you from every angle possible.  God has blessed me with a plate & screws in my left knee and my right wrist, I also have a rod in my left leg that runs from my knee to my hip.  The last major surgery was a bowl resection.  The other surgery or 2 was minor.  Yes I do look at this car accident as a blessing.  How you may say? Easy- it showed me that the road I was going down wasn't a good one (no pun intended but kinda cool it came about).  So I changed some of my ways- which always comes with the losing of friends you thought would be there.  Whatever- I've never been one to have tons of friends, but I have a small group of really good friends. :)

From the 6 months in the hospital I dropped weight like woah! I went from 220# to 160#.  To quote my sister- "you looked like a sick bobble head".  It was true- I was super skinny but it was a sick skinny.  So bobbly me was also stuck walking with a walker/cane due to injuries.  This leads me to wear I am as low as I have ever been in weight...literally can't remember when I was that small...and takes me up to my highest I've ever been.  Imagine you can't eat anything for 6 months then you are finally able to eat.  Yep- I can tell you, you will eat anything and everything under the sun that doesn't make you sick.  I went from 160# all the way up to 250#.  I started at a gym to work on my knee/leg and also to work on the weight issue. 

I learned the hard way, about a year or more, that you can't just do one or the other:
 
Working out + eating crap = holding weight    Eating right + not working out = holding weight

Apparently you have to eat right AND work out for this weight loss thing to work- imagine that!  So I finally got sick of the weight and my knee not getting any stablilty/flexibilty back (could be cause I have no clue what I was doing in a gym with machines) - I used a portion of my settlement monies from the car accident to get myself a personal trainer.  This was perfect- someone to hold me accountable and help me with food, worked great in getting my knee back in shape, and in me doing this it got my friend to get on board to help keep me accountable (bonus for her she got her butt in shape too!).  This was fantastic- I was seeing great results.  I was even able to at one point leg press my old weight of 220#.  I went from 250# all the way down to 175# the healthy way.  No more sickly bobble head!

As I stated earlier- life got in the way, I got comfortable because I had such a large gap between the danger zone of 200 and where I was.  This now brings us to where I'm at now...into the danger zone at 216#.  Not good!  I feel like I've lost all my skills.  I know what I need to do food-wise.  It's almost like I don't know how to find them and use them again.  I started and stopped multiple times- got a gym membership at Planet Fitness that wasn't worth the cost each month for how much I did NOT use it. 

Dropped that and went to my old trainer and asked for help.  He gave me the name of a guy and I'm back at training again.  Love the guy I'm [training] with now.  It's a very slow process of getting food back on track but it is my goal this year (talking May 2013- May 2014) to get down to 140# and be done with this stop/start BS.  When I'm in the swing of things I feel great and I love how I look.  I want to see how much I will love myself at 140# :P

This journal/blog/whatever you want to call it, is my final journaling attempt at my progress.  There is only so much more I can do this before it becomes self evident that it's not going to happen.  I'm 30- turning 31 in Oct.  I want to be done working for this.  I want to be at my maintenance level.  Thank you for joining me on this adventure....if anyone's even reading this. :)