A Rambling Return

My wonderful friend has sold me a laptop of hers, which makes me happy in a myriad of areas.  This helps me with access to my bills, school and updating this lovely little blog.  :D

I am nowhere near the goal I had set for myself come my birthday.  My birthday has come and passed and I am actually a tad heavier than I was. This does not make me happy....however, at the same time I don't have anything or anyone to blame but myself.
I no longer have Alpha or Beta as my trainer(s).  Somehow I always end up with really knowledgeable trainers with smart mouths that don't do well with management.  One gets fired and the other gets kicked out.  Neither are doing personal training anymore and now I'm back at square 1.  I had this conversation with my sister and friend at lunch the other day.  I am not a person who is self motivated....to a certain extent.  I need that person to push me to do things that I don't think I can do or don't want to do.  I have set up to try out a boxing/kickboxing gym but I think I might be better served at an overall gym- one that has other classes along with training. Basically like I had back when I was training at Gold's.  I loved and am still friends with my trainer from there.  Flakey and unreliable he could be but we worked well together- he worked for me.  Life being what it is caused issues and things didn't end the way I had anticipated.

I am now getting a fire back...I'm feeling good about finding a new gym.  Even if I don't get a trainer right away- getting back to a gym that has classes, like spinning (LOVE spinning).  I need something to move me/excite me to get my rear end back in the gym.  I KNOW I can and will do this.

NO MORE EXCUSES!

I have to gain some control.  Right now I feel like I have no set control on anything going on right now.  I am waiting to hear from school to see if I've been accepted into the Veterinary Technician program.  I want this so bad.  It was a bit of a confirmation when I had my review and one of the doctors told me- it's great that I have all this experience, probably too much experience.  I tend to give too much information over the phone of things people can do at home and not making it a priority to bring them in for appointments.  Anywho- that's weighing on my mind and generically my pocket.  I am working 2 jobs and even though the one job is just once a week it's killing my schedule.  I can't quit though....need the $.  At the same time this once a week job makes me feel slightly social.

While trying to get things set up on here I found my old Photobucket account, which had this picture stored:

This was taken before a friend's wedding.  This guy was nice enough to go with me- good friend and I miss him.  I have been having this overwhelming, sadness I guess I'll go with. Missing some friends I haven't seen or talked to in a long time.  I have no social life- maybe that's what happens when you grow up, are an adult.  You have the people you work with and the friends you see or talk to from time to time.  I think that's also part of why I get invested in gyms and trainers- another social outlet.

Alright enough of my rambling/venting.  I'll be sure to plan out a better update for the next one- I was just wanting to get something written to get into the habit again.

M.I.A.

I have been MIA due to laziness, exhaustion and being constantly going.

Things are going a bit better in regards to work but I think that is also because I'm being relocated.  Come August I will be at the busiest clinic and see how I do.  I think I'll do just fine because I tend to do better when I'm busy- less time to second guess myself.  I will also be with people who are more willing to help and teach- which is what I need.  When I came to this slow/dead clinic they really messed with my head and what I already thought I knew- they operate completely different.

Working out is still going.  I love training with Alpha!  The only thing I need to work on is my happy face.  He told me the other day I need to stop with the rolling of the eyes.  I don't mean to!  I was thinking about it since he told me that- I think a part of it is my frustration and anger with not just being over weight but also being "handicapped".  Example: I was doing leg extensions on the machine and I was pushing myself (as per usual) but this last set I was pushing a little harder and I hadn't done that in quite a while.  I almost brought myself to tears- I had to get myself in check real quick.  Apparently I didn't do that great of a job because Alpha texted me the next day checking on me, "you looked a little more bothered than usual".

It's true, a good portion of me hates to work out but I think the part of me that enjoys it would take over more if it wasn't a fight at every point.  I know it will be worth it and (Lord willing) will not be this way forever but right now I am struggling, mentally, more than I thought I was.  Part of me knows, it is my own fault in the weight department.  That isn't necessarily the problem where I get upset.  It's the part I have no control over. 

I never had a real down point in regards to my accident and what long term affects I would have.  I know the arthritis- that's slightly whatever.  I say that but I was just cursing myself out today on the drive into work.  It's rainy and humid and my wrist and hip/back were killing me.  My whole body was aching something fierce.  I can't even slack off like a regular person!  When I slack off yes I gain weight but so much more happens.  My joints get extremely stiff and it becomes increasingly harder for me to squat down, to lift things, to walk/run/move quickly, walk decent to long distances.  I was so focused on not taking meds (back story: when I did have down days in the hospital my mom would talk to the doctor and they'd try to get me on anti-depressants.  I did not need meds I just needed to full out mentally deal).  Then when I got released it was keeping up appearances for my mom because she was so dramatic and focused on herself- I didn't want to be a bigger problem.

Lately I have just felt like I need a good cry.  Everything I've watched/read has had me wanting to cry if it is even slightly emotional.  I need to get it out- start fresh on Monday.  I need to be more positive or at least less whiney when I'm working out/training.  I need to not be that kind of pain in the @$$ with Alpha.  I may have a great personality but after so much it's not going to help.  :)

It also hasn't helped that I haven't changed at all scale wise.  The increases in my weight lifted/used is great and was keeping me on a high for a bit.  Now I'm at the point that I'm going to be the strongest fat person he's trained.  We're going to try to tweak some things and I have my vitamins and supplements on board so I'm hoping once I get the food tweaked and my new cardio homework for the days I'm not training (Alpha is making up some routines for me that I can do anywhere) I will see something.  At this point I will take anything.  Whether I eat good or I eat bad- the scale doesn't move!

This also is me- I am always dripping and gross and no scale difference!! Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe me with this round of getting healthy.  Although a nice pick me up was when Alpha says to me the other day- "you always surprise me with how strong you are- how much weight you use". 
I need to add that to my book of good feelings. Yes, I'm a nerd and I keep a little notebook of funny/cute/nice things said to me or about me.  It's nice to look back on every now and then- even though some of them are from people who are no longer in my life.

I got nothing else to ramble about- hope anyone that's reading this has been having a less frustrating season than I have. :)

Old bruises, new bruises, mysterious bruises

It's been a while- to be honest I have not been in the mood.  I have barely keep up with tracking my food and my points for the Super Summer Challenge.  I just have slowly been feeling more and more "eh".  This week unfortunately takes the cake.

I was training with Alpha on Monday and I really had to focus at the end for my legs to hold my body up.  He thought it was my arms and was quick to take the hand weights from me- it wasn't that.  I'm sure it has something to do with my water intake (seriously lacking lately) and my food (not the best as we've run out of some core things to make healthy meals).  I am doing great still and increasing my weights but I'd really love to decrease my physical weight.  I am going to see what I am next week (as I have lost nothing between my first and second weigh in)- if it doesn't go down 1-2 pounds I need to seriously revamp things. Not gonna lie- not really sure how given my financial situation but something will be giving.  I'm also hoping that when my new vitamins come in that will help.  With energy help, I'm also hoping the vitamins will help with the bruising.  I bruise so easily!  It's crazy- I can count 4 bruises on my legs, 1 of which just appeared today and I have no clue where it came from. This anemia thing is for the birds!  2 that I know what I did- the shin/ankle was due to the hell ropes and the knee was from falling on my butt- I was doing shuffles while rubber banded to a wall.  Those are never good exercises for those that are not coordinated.  Not that I'm hoping this vitamin is a miracle- although that'd be nice, if it works and I have a good response then I would feel more open to trying other products I'll definitely let you know how it goes.

I have felt so exhausted this week.  Monday was eh, Tuesday I barely moved from my bed or the couch unless I needed to, and today- I really felt weak while we were at Sea World (for all of the 2 hours grand total that we were there).  Driving into work today was a chore- almost felt like I was dozing.  Good thing this shift I work with great people.  If it was people I wasn't happy with- this could go a lot worse.  I am just very ready to be home and asleep.  Nothing is helping me get my energy up. :/

Speaking of work- I spoke with admin yesterday and I'm anxious for things to change.  I explained to her how uncomfortable I am at the clinic I spend most of my shifts at.  She said she will be looking to have me moved as soon as she can.  It's a situation where I do not feel supported, or helped to do my best.  I get more benefit from my other clinic(s).  I'm sure...well, I know these stress situations play havoc on my body.  I almost forget about it because I'm so used to it until it gets bad and side effects happen.  What happens when you get stressed out? Cranky? Stress eat?  How do you deal with the stress...and the effects?

I have training tomorrow night...7pm.  Slightly hoping that with not having to rush around for things that I will be feeling better.  As I type this my stomach is not very happy and I am very sleepy.  I wish I could sleep in- unfortunately I have a dentist appointment at 11 (I'd reschedule if it wasn't the 4-5th time we've had to reschedule).