Sporadic update

As I sit down to update, there's a wave of depression sadness that hits me.  I think it's all the stress/anxiety/struggle I've had recently.  I just feel very defeated and stuck. I know this feeling will pass but I hate when they hit....so I try to focus on things I do have control over.

I just [reluctantly] put in my notice at the Emergency Clinic that I work at.  School starts next month (ahh!) and I just can't do 2 jobs, school and working on me.  I know it is for the best- I may even be able to go back at some point.  This time being a technician :D

Since I am starting to work on my priorities (i.e. school over 2 jobs, working out over focusing on work), I am already starting to hit resistance again.  I went through this the first time I focused on me.  I thought that since they saw that I lost weight and was doing good that I wouldn't encounter it during the second round.  Boy was I WRONG.
The only person I have on my side (in my house) is my sister and even she isn't 100%.  No one can see why I spend so much on gyms/trainers/etc.  It's hard to explain....sometimes.  I am not an uber motivated person.  So when I find a place or person that motivates me/gets me excited to go I cling to that.  They usually understand why I'm putting myself first and focusing on me.  I am 31 years old and I have had way more things in my life that have affected by body then I should have.  Which I am fine with but given that I am getting older and my calling in life is very physically demanding-  I need to get myself back in check.  My job was much easier when I was much more fit.

In that voice- I am sad to say I will be cancelling my OrangeTheory membership.  As much as I do love it- it doesn't challenge me the way I like.  I like lifting weights, being physically challenged but not just in the generic cardio sense (treadmills).  I have gotten myself a Groupon for Title Boxing.  They are a gym that does boxing & kickboxing, as well as personal training with weights.  I am every excited and nervous.  I am not in the shape I used to be, but I know this will kick my butt and I will love it.  The Groupon I acquired gets me wraps and gloves (YAY!).  A friend of mine goes there and swears by it.  I'm just excited because I love to hit things. ;)
I did 1 or 2 sessions of boxing WAY back when I very first had a personal trainer.  It was so much fun...my whole body was sore and the time flew by.  I just need something that gets me excited.  I am going to sign up for my first class either next Wednesday or next weekend. I will make a note in my phone to update with how that goes.  :)

I'm ready for the inside me to match the outside me.

I have been done pretty good if I do say so myself in the area of tracking food, and I have definitely increased my water in take.  I will be taking a few more baby steps this weekend to be even more prepared then I have in the past.  I am down half a pound.  Not a tremendous drop but a drop none-the-less.  I really need to get moving...read the above, that will be fixed soon enough. :D

The love of my life...my Wiggle-Butt gave me quite a scare this weekend.  I have been watching his liver levels for quite some time.  The boy does have quite an array of issues and recently I've had to increase meds that do affect the liver.  This time we pulled his blood and once we spun it down to be sent to the lab, his serum looked yellow.  Now for those of you not in the animal field, or have any friends/family in there- yellow serum is a very strong indication of liver failure/issues.
So I spent Friday night....ok we're all friends here, I spent my weekend curled up, loving on my boy and some tears were shed.  Come Monday, results are 100% perfect.  In fact the boy has never had more perfect levels.  I don't know how it happened but I'm definitely not going to argue.

I get nervous when it comes to my boy.  He's now 7 (will be 8 in Dec), and is technically geriatric. :'(  My other sheepie I had growing up had to leave me at the age of 9 [his age].  He had a spinal tumor.  Now my Wiggle-Butt doesn't have a tumor but he's got a myriad of other issues- including degenerative joint disease, hip dysplasia, degenerative disc disease, spondylosis.  So more than likely his hips/back will be his undoing.  Anywho- I get nervous because I'd like this one to get to double digits.  Yes, I am an over worrier....any wonder I am in the field I'm in.

Riley | aka Wiggle-Butt |

Animals are my life.  I have also grown to accept that not everyone is like me, and I will be met with resistance.  I just never thought it'd be my family- who is supposed to support me. Yes, I am weird and following my happiness to work with animals- regardless of what my paycheck will be.  As much as I'd love to get a job I don't totally love and probably more financially stable, it's not in my cards.  I am at my best with animals.

I do wonder what it's like when you are actually surrounded by people who feel the way you do about your job/career.  The only job I've found that 100% in is at my Emergency Clinic.

Do you have a job that you love and no one in your circle gets it?  Or are you surrounded by people who get it and encourage you to go and excel?

Meant Well Still Hurts

So this past week or so has been a little challenging in the health department.  My motivation has not been challenging- I'm getting frustrated, but working on a game plan.  Planning for a full week ends up being to daunting, particularly in my household.  So if I can just plan for the weekend and then spurts of days from there, the hope is that it will yield better success then partially planning for a full week.

Goals for the upcoming week:

1. FitBit is set for 7,000 steps as my goal each day...hit that goal every day!
2. Orange Theory twice a week
3. Drink at least 24oz of water a day

Even though they are small goals...they are mountain-like for me.

My stress level has been a little high lately.... mainly due to school.  I have decided to go back to school to get my BA in Veterinary Technology.  Short term view this will allow me to be a Vet Tech and use my knowledge that makes me too experienced for reception work to better use.  So now I am dealing with FAFSA and [trying to] obtain(ing) a student loan.  Now that I'm an adult and have debt, I'm working on fixing my credit score- it makes it harder.  I have Summer term registration coming up next week so I'd really like to know about FAFSA soon....so I know if I have to find a way to get a loan.
My dad has known about this for some time.  I have now had 2 conversations regarding my career of choice.  The first one was expected and decent- asking what this would mean for me in my job and such.  This conversation was not bothersome as no one really gets my passion for animals, or my job in general.  So explaining is something I'm used to.  The second conversation we had was a bit more harsh.  It was a very selfish "keeping up with the Jones'" conversation.  The statement that sticks out in my head is, "you'll never even come close to $45,000" {salary}.  The only response I could give was this:  But I'll be happy.
I understand his concern but at the same time, he is also the one who has always told me to go for what makes me happy.  Money doesn't buy happiness.  I am well aware, and have accepted that my job doesn't get me a lot of money.  Especially in this God-forsaken state.  This degree would open up a lot of doors for me...doors that I care about.



 

Maybe my career will get me closer to him (Ian Somerhalder)

I would love to work for an animal rescue, sanctuary, etc.  This degree would be my in, my experience.  Animals are my passion and have accepted my oddness in my circle of friends/family.  I do however get tired of explaining myself over and over again to my family.  The only one who gets it but doesn't get it is my sister.  She doesn't have a passion but she gets mine.  She doesn't question it and has accepted that I'm a little "crazy" or "obsessive" when it comes to my pets, or animals in general.

Ian Somerhalder is an inspiration of sorts to me.  He is all about going Green, helping the environment, and animals.  He's been given awards by the Human Society for his work.  Then we throw in the fact that he's just gorgeous- what's not to love. :)  He's taking his stardom and challenging people to change the world for the better.  He's got his own foundation that is doing great things.  Among many projects, one they are working on is to set up animal sanctuary...Let's be the fit for the misfits! 

 

 

Taking control over what little things I do have control over is what will bring me my sanity.  That's what I'm hoping anyway.  Or even just keep me oblivious to the chaos around me.  Last time I focused on me (100%), I lost my weight and didn't have as much anxiety/stress regarding things surrounding me.  I need to get back in that mindset - that is the only thing that can save me now.  Otherwise I may just eat my stress all the way to 300# at the rate I'm going.  Thankfully no huge jumps on the sale numbers but they're going up and not down.

Also if I'm going to be flying solo- such is my social life given my 2 jobs, I should at least be comfortable in my own skin.  Right now I'm not comfortable in my own skin and I am letting my stress and anxiety have control, which means there is not a whole lot of restraint  self control going on- that needs to change ASAP.  I can't expect to draw people/guys in when I'm not comfortable with myself/how I look.  How can I expect to land the man of my dreams (aka Mr. Somerhalder) when I'm not in control of myself?!

 

Meeting this man is #1 on my Bucket List

Here's hoping that the next entry has some better news on the personal front.  I mean this entry couldn't get any better given the man main topic of my ranting. ;)





Disappointment and anixety abound

In the month since my last post I did not have as much success as I would have liked.

I did go down a pound and a half in one week just to go up 4 the next....and another half pound following that. Needless to say I am quite nervous to weigh in on Monday.  I am however going to be more diligent in the changes that I say I'm going to do.

I'm very tired of being a person who says and doesn't follow through.  Now, no one knows about the lack of follow through......but I do!  I do not want to continue this way.  I'm done back sliding.  I have ordered my vitamins, one being a Green Coffee supplement. I know it's an aide that I don't necessarily need but I need it more for my morale then anything else.  I need to see the numbers on the scale go down.  I may have gone up in my weight but it's not falling off like it did before- I am not the same person I was before.
I've already lost the weight- 2nd time around is going to be a lot harder.  Not to mention I am older.  I will not let this be an excuse, nor will I let my knee slow me down (any more).  I also ordered a joint supplement- that should, once loaded, will help with the swelling and pain.
Food is going to be my focus for Fri, Sat and Sun.  Sunday I will be starting fresh in the exercise dept.  I walked with a good friend of mine that I haven't seen in about 4 months last night.  We walked, total = ~3 miles/a 5k.  We walked about a mile and a half to the restaurant and then walked that back to her house.  I was excited- got in 11,000 steps that day and walked 5 miles total for the day.

I love having the FitBit. It definitely encourages me in my step taking.  I kind of feel bad on the days that I just veg out and relax- very small amount of steps.  This will be another goal in the tweaking of exercise- getting in at least a mile a day of walking.  Even if it's just around my neighborhood.  I have to make it a priority like I once did.  I know it will exhaust me with everything else I have going on but I will be happier. 

Having control over something is very much needed right now.  My job has been quite stressful- I need to get out of the small office atmosphere.  I need actual bosses who are just that.  Someone who is a boss and does just that.  NOT someone who is a boss on top of their other job.  I don't like having someone who cannot separate being a coworker from being a boss.  It gets too messy!!!  I've only had one boss that was really good at that.  I miss having her as my boss....everyday.

Needless to say, the weight and work are making my anxiety go into overload.  The hope is that come next update I will have good news.  Stress should hopefully be down (new job even? maybe? hopefully?) and so should the anxiety.....and the weight. ;)

And my friend added this: Nope sorry I believe this is missing an extra few choice words you'd say with it

 



Gearing Up for a Fight



Today I was blessed enough to have the day off from work.  I will be using the day to get set up for a successful week.  I will be food prepping.  I will also be planning my workouts. 

 

I have joined a new gym.  I was quite hesitant in even going in for the free class...group training really isn't my thing.  I actually kind of love it!  An hour workout where you wear a HR monitor and go into different zones- interval training.  Apparently it's like HIIT classes.  My first class I burned 544 calories....and then the next day my body was destroyed, and sore all over.  I felt fantastic!!

 

Little looksie at OrangeTheory Fitness

 

 

I will be starting off this week right- hitting OrangeTheory twice a week and then doing cardio/walking at home after work (at least 30mins).  Then I'll have my food planned out.  I am revving myself up.  I have to get my rear in gear- a good friend of mine is coming down in March.  She wants to meet up to work out.  I have to have a bit better stamina and be in better shape, as last time we worked out it was disgusting.

 

So I weighed in today.  I am at 221.5# -  goal for February is to be down at least 5-10#.  This, if not more, is definitely doable as long as I stick to my guns....and get my willpower back up to where it was.

 

I look forward to checking back in!

A Rambling Return

My wonderful friend has sold me a laptop of hers, which makes me happy in a myriad of areas.  This helps me with access to my bills, school and updating this lovely little blog.  :D

I am nowhere near the goal I had set for myself come my birthday.  My birthday has come and passed and I am actually a tad heavier than I was. This does not make me happy....however, at the same time I don't have anything or anyone to blame but myself.
I no longer have Alpha or Beta as my trainer(s).  Somehow I always end up with really knowledgeable trainers with smart mouths that don't do well with management.  One gets fired and the other gets kicked out.  Neither are doing personal training anymore and now I'm back at square 1.  I had this conversation with my sister and friend at lunch the other day.  I am not a person who is self motivated....to a certain extent.  I need that person to push me to do things that I don't think I can do or don't want to do.  I have set up to try out a boxing/kickboxing gym but I think I might be better served at an overall gym- one that has other classes along with training. Basically like I had back when I was training at Gold's.  I loved and am still friends with my trainer from there.  Flakey and unreliable he could be but we worked well together- he worked for me.  Life being what it is caused issues and things didn't end the way I had anticipated.

I am now getting a fire back...I'm feeling good about finding a new gym.  Even if I don't get a trainer right away- getting back to a gym that has classes, like spinning (LOVE spinning).  I need something to move me/excite me to get my rear end back in the gym.  I KNOW I can and will do this.

NO MORE EXCUSES!

I have to gain some control.  Right now I feel like I have no set control on anything going on right now.  I am waiting to hear from school to see if I've been accepted into the Veterinary Technician program.  I want this so bad.  It was a bit of a confirmation when I had my review and one of the doctors told me- it's great that I have all this experience, probably too much experience.  I tend to give too much information over the phone of things people can do at home and not making it a priority to bring them in for appointments.  Anywho- that's weighing on my mind and generically my pocket.  I am working 2 jobs and even though the one job is just once a week it's killing my schedule.  I can't quit though....need the $.  At the same time this once a week job makes me feel slightly social.

While trying to get things set up on here I found my old Photobucket account, which had this picture stored:

This was taken before a friend's wedding.  This guy was nice enough to go with me- good friend and I miss him.  I have been having this overwhelming, sadness I guess I'll go with. Missing some friends I haven't seen or talked to in a long time.  I have no social life- maybe that's what happens when you grow up, are an adult.  You have the people you work with and the friends you see or talk to from time to time.  I think that's also part of why I get invested in gyms and trainers- another social outlet.

Alright enough of my rambling/venting.  I'll be sure to plan out a better update for the next one- I was just wanting to get something written to get into the habit again.

The Never-ending Battle

Ok....so....I officially suck.  I am 10 days away from my birthday (the big 3-1 if you were wondering).  Which I am assured by a friend that 31 will be okay- he's making it to 32 alright. :)

Not only have I not lost the weight I wanted to- I think I went up a tad.  My muscles are getting stronger- which leads me to my next conundrum: am I having a hard time losing weight because of my habits/body changing or because I'm strengthening and working with weights?!?!?  

Forgive the tantrum I'm about to have.  I am very aware that I just have to reign in the crazy "Fat Monica".  I keep getting on this damn horse and falling off.  I know what it's like to ride the horse and it is glorious.  Now I just have to remember how to stay on the horse...how I did it in the past.  I know I let my will power dissolve but I know it's still in here somewhere.  I just wish I was done with this battle.  Food should not be something I'm think locked into.  It is something that I should just use as fuel and not be so wrapped up in it.

I have Sunday and Monday off- I will be prepping all food for the week.  When I am prepped and ready I do so much better and my will power is a bit stronger.  Then I will be putting a picture of me from when I was skinnier on my lock screen.  I just so desperately want to get the drive I had back!!

Other than this issue everything else is glorious.  The day practice is fantastic- love everyone, no stress.  Emergency practice is drama central but one day a week I can handle it.  Trainer #2 - Beta - makes me feel old with him being all of 22. :/  He's fun though- entertaining which is what I need when I'm training.  Anything to keep me occupied on something other than my body falling apart. 

Working so much has it's down falls- even though it helps my bills.  Like tonight- I missed a birthday gathering for my friend, which really sucks.  Making things a bit worse I'll be alone for my birthday weekend as my family is going out of town.  Not that I'm huge into birthdays- I'm used to just doing dinners but normally I have people.  Not this year.  I'm really hoping these things are not a precursor into the year I have coming for 31.  That would really be no bueno.

Enough whining and rambling on about nothing....until next update!

My birth month has arrived!

Here's a quickie just to keep my rhythm.  We are in October....October the month of my birth...we are on October 6th- this gives me 24 days to lose 15#.  I need to get my butt in gear- HARD CORE!  

I was sick all this week.  Needless to say all my goals for the week were shot to h-e-double hockey sticks.  I plan on getting back on track this coming week.  I have to get 5 days of cardio in from now on.  It's a must- between that and my diet there's no other way for me to get these pounds off.  I've been pussy-footing around for long enough.  I am not happy with where I am.  Hard core Heather has got to get back on her game.

Setting up to restart the training after a week off and reading my Fighter Diet info this weekend to plan out and prep my food come Monday.  I will be back to being productive.  I feel better overall due to lack of work stress (yay!) so now I have to get productive again in my personal life.  I will get this all going in the right direction!! :)