Sporadic update

As I sit down to update, there's a wave of depression sadness that hits me.  I think it's all the stress/anxiety/struggle I've had recently.  I just feel very defeated and stuck. I know this feeling will pass but I hate when they hit....so I try to focus on things I do have control over.

I just [reluctantly] put in my notice at the Emergency Clinic that I work at.  School starts next month (ahh!) and I just can't do 2 jobs, school and working on me.  I know it is for the best- I may even be able to go back at some point.  This time being a technician :D

Since I am starting to work on my priorities (i.e. school over 2 jobs, working out over focusing on work), I am already starting to hit resistance again.  I went through this the first time I focused on me.  I thought that since they saw that I lost weight and was doing good that I wouldn't encounter it during the second round.  Boy was I WRONG.
The only person I have on my side (in my house) is my sister and even she isn't 100%.  No one can see why I spend so much on gyms/trainers/etc.  It's hard to explain....sometimes.  I am not an uber motivated person.  So when I find a place or person that motivates me/gets me excited to go I cling to that.  They usually understand why I'm putting myself first and focusing on me.  I am 31 years old and I have had way more things in my life that have affected by body then I should have.  Which I am fine with but given that I am getting older and my calling in life is very physically demanding-  I need to get myself back in check.  My job was much easier when I was much more fit.

In that voice- I am sad to say I will be cancelling my OrangeTheory membership.  As much as I do love it- it doesn't challenge me the way I like.  I like lifting weights, being physically challenged but not just in the generic cardio sense (treadmills).  I have gotten myself a Groupon for Title Boxing.  They are a gym that does boxing & kickboxing, as well as personal training with weights.  I am every excited and nervous.  I am not in the shape I used to be, but I know this will kick my butt and I will love it.  The Groupon I acquired gets me wraps and gloves (YAY!).  A friend of mine goes there and swears by it.  I'm just excited because I love to hit things. ;)
I did 1 or 2 sessions of boxing WAY back when I very first had a personal trainer.  It was so much fun...my whole body was sore and the time flew by.  I just need something that gets me excited.  I am going to sign up for my first class either next Wednesday or next weekend. I will make a note in my phone to update with how that goes.  :)

I'm ready for the inside me to match the outside me.

I have been done pretty good if I do say so myself in the area of tracking food, and I have definitely increased my water in take.  I will be taking a few more baby steps this weekend to be even more prepared then I have in the past.  I am down half a pound.  Not a tremendous drop but a drop none-the-less.  I really need to get moving...read the above, that will be fixed soon enough. :D

The love of my life...my Wiggle-Butt gave me quite a scare this weekend.  I have been watching his liver levels for quite some time.  The boy does have quite an array of issues and recently I've had to increase meds that do affect the liver.  This time we pulled his blood and once we spun it down to be sent to the lab, his serum looked yellow.  Now for those of you not in the animal field, or have any friends/family in there- yellow serum is a very strong indication of liver failure/issues.
So I spent Friday night....ok we're all friends here, I spent my weekend curled up, loving on my boy and some tears were shed.  Come Monday, results are 100% perfect.  In fact the boy has never had more perfect levels.  I don't know how it happened but I'm definitely not going to argue.

I get nervous when it comes to my boy.  He's now 7 (will be 8 in Dec), and is technically geriatric. :'(  My other sheepie I had growing up had to leave me at the age of 9 [his age].  He had a spinal tumor.  Now my Wiggle-Butt doesn't have a tumor but he's got a myriad of other issues- including degenerative joint disease, hip dysplasia, degenerative disc disease, spondylosis.  So more than likely his hips/back will be his undoing.  Anywho- I get nervous because I'd like this one to get to double digits.  Yes, I am an over worrier....any wonder I am in the field I'm in.

Riley | aka Wiggle-Butt |

Animals are my life.  I have also grown to accept that not everyone is like me, and I will be met with resistance.  I just never thought it'd be my family- who is supposed to support me. Yes, I am weird and following my happiness to work with animals- regardless of what my paycheck will be.  As much as I'd love to get a job I don't totally love and probably more financially stable, it's not in my cards.  I am at my best with animals.

I do wonder what it's like when you are actually surrounded by people who feel the way you do about your job/career.  The only job I've found that 100% in is at my Emergency Clinic.

Do you have a job that you love and no one in your circle gets it?  Or are you surrounded by people who get it and encourage you to go and excel?

Meant Well Still Hurts

So this past week or so has been a little challenging in the health department.  My motivation has not been challenging- I'm getting frustrated, but working on a game plan.  Planning for a full week ends up being to daunting, particularly in my household.  So if I can just plan for the weekend and then spurts of days from there, the hope is that it will yield better success then partially planning for a full week.

Goals for the upcoming week:

1. FitBit is set for 7,000 steps as my goal each day...hit that goal every day!
2. Orange Theory twice a week
3. Drink at least 24oz of water a day

Even though they are small goals...they are mountain-like for me.

My stress level has been a little high lately.... mainly due to school.  I have decided to go back to school to get my BA in Veterinary Technology.  Short term view this will allow me to be a Vet Tech and use my knowledge that makes me too experienced for reception work to better use.  So now I am dealing with FAFSA and [trying to] obtain(ing) a student loan.  Now that I'm an adult and have debt, I'm working on fixing my credit score- it makes it harder.  I have Summer term registration coming up next week so I'd really like to know about FAFSA soon....so I know if I have to find a way to get a loan.
My dad has known about this for some time.  I have now had 2 conversations regarding my career of choice.  The first one was expected and decent- asking what this would mean for me in my job and such.  This conversation was not bothersome as no one really gets my passion for animals, or my job in general.  So explaining is something I'm used to.  The second conversation we had was a bit more harsh.  It was a very selfish "keeping up with the Jones'" conversation.  The statement that sticks out in my head is, "you'll never even come close to $45,000" {salary}.  The only response I could give was this:  But I'll be happy.
I understand his concern but at the same time, he is also the one who has always told me to go for what makes me happy.  Money doesn't buy happiness.  I am well aware, and have accepted that my job doesn't get me a lot of money.  Especially in this God-forsaken state.  This degree would open up a lot of doors for me...doors that I care about.



 

Maybe my career will get me closer to him (Ian Somerhalder)

I would love to work for an animal rescue, sanctuary, etc.  This degree would be my in, my experience.  Animals are my passion and have accepted my oddness in my circle of friends/family.  I do however get tired of explaining myself over and over again to my family.  The only one who gets it but doesn't get it is my sister.  She doesn't have a passion but she gets mine.  She doesn't question it and has accepted that I'm a little "crazy" or "obsessive" when it comes to my pets, or animals in general.

Ian Somerhalder is an inspiration of sorts to me.  He is all about going Green, helping the environment, and animals.  He's been given awards by the Human Society for his work.  Then we throw in the fact that he's just gorgeous- what's not to love. :)  He's taking his stardom and challenging people to change the world for the better.  He's got his own foundation that is doing great things.  Among many projects, one they are working on is to set up animal sanctuary...Let's be the fit for the misfits! 

 

 

Taking control over what little things I do have control over is what will bring me my sanity.  That's what I'm hoping anyway.  Or even just keep me oblivious to the chaos around me.  Last time I focused on me (100%), I lost my weight and didn't have as much anxiety/stress regarding things surrounding me.  I need to get back in that mindset - that is the only thing that can save me now.  Otherwise I may just eat my stress all the way to 300# at the rate I'm going.  Thankfully no huge jumps on the sale numbers but they're going up and not down.

Also if I'm going to be flying solo- such is my social life given my 2 jobs, I should at least be comfortable in my own skin.  Right now I'm not comfortable in my own skin and I am letting my stress and anxiety have control, which means there is not a whole lot of restraint  self control going on- that needs to change ASAP.  I can't expect to draw people/guys in when I'm not comfortable with myself/how I look.  How can I expect to land the man of my dreams (aka Mr. Somerhalder) when I'm not in control of myself?!

 

Meeting this man is #1 on my Bucket List

Here's hoping that the next entry has some better news on the personal front.  I mean this entry couldn't get any better given the man main topic of my ranting. ;)





M.I.A.

I have been MIA due to laziness, exhaustion and being constantly going.

Things are going a bit better in regards to work but I think that is also because I'm being relocated.  Come August I will be at the busiest clinic and see how I do.  I think I'll do just fine because I tend to do better when I'm busy- less time to second guess myself.  I will also be with people who are more willing to help and teach- which is what I need.  When I came to this slow/dead clinic they really messed with my head and what I already thought I knew- they operate completely different.

Working out is still going.  I love training with Alpha!  The only thing I need to work on is my happy face.  He told me the other day I need to stop with the rolling of the eyes.  I don't mean to!  I was thinking about it since he told me that- I think a part of it is my frustration and anger with not just being over weight but also being "handicapped".  Example: I was doing leg extensions on the machine and I was pushing myself (as per usual) but this last set I was pushing a little harder and I hadn't done that in quite a while.  I almost brought myself to tears- I had to get myself in check real quick.  Apparently I didn't do that great of a job because Alpha texted me the next day checking on me, "you looked a little more bothered than usual".

It's true, a good portion of me hates to work out but I think the part of me that enjoys it would take over more if it wasn't a fight at every point.  I know it will be worth it and (Lord willing) will not be this way forever but right now I am struggling, mentally, more than I thought I was.  Part of me knows, it is my own fault in the weight department.  That isn't necessarily the problem where I get upset.  It's the part I have no control over. 

I never had a real down point in regards to my accident and what long term affects I would have.  I know the arthritis- that's slightly whatever.  I say that but I was just cursing myself out today on the drive into work.  It's rainy and humid and my wrist and hip/back were killing me.  My whole body was aching something fierce.  I can't even slack off like a regular person!  When I slack off yes I gain weight but so much more happens.  My joints get extremely stiff and it becomes increasingly harder for me to squat down, to lift things, to walk/run/move quickly, walk decent to long distances.  I was so focused on not taking meds (back story: when I did have down days in the hospital my mom would talk to the doctor and they'd try to get me on anti-depressants.  I did not need meds I just needed to full out mentally deal).  Then when I got released it was keeping up appearances for my mom because she was so dramatic and focused on herself- I didn't want to be a bigger problem.

Lately I have just felt like I need a good cry.  Everything I've watched/read has had me wanting to cry if it is even slightly emotional.  I need to get it out- start fresh on Monday.  I need to be more positive or at least less whiney when I'm working out/training.  I need to not be that kind of pain in the @$$ with Alpha.  I may have a great personality but after so much it's not going to help.  :)

It also hasn't helped that I haven't changed at all scale wise.  The increases in my weight lifted/used is great and was keeping me on a high for a bit.  Now I'm at the point that I'm going to be the strongest fat person he's trained.  We're going to try to tweak some things and I have my vitamins and supplements on board so I'm hoping once I get the food tweaked and my new cardio homework for the days I'm not training (Alpha is making up some routines for me that I can do anywhere) I will see something.  At this point I will take anything.  Whether I eat good or I eat bad- the scale doesn't move!

This also is me- I am always dripping and gross and no scale difference!! Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe me with this round of getting healthy.  Although a nice pick me up was when Alpha says to me the other day- "you always surprise me with how strong you are- how much weight you use". 
I need to add that to my book of good feelings. Yes, I'm a nerd and I keep a little notebook of funny/cute/nice things said to me or about me.  It's nice to look back on every now and then- even though some of them are from people who are no longer in my life.

I got nothing else to ramble about- hope anyone that's reading this has been having a less frustrating season than I have. :)

Should I stay or should I go?????

Things have been on a bit of a rollercoaster...at least mentally.
Going to break this up into 2 little updates....

Work:  My emergency clinic is definitely putting a lot of stress on my body, and my mind.  It is getting a little better but my schedule isn't.  The only thing I can slightly hope for is in mid-August when preggers returns it'll get a little easier and I can get my bearings.  Right now I work from 6pm-1am on Wed & Fri, and then I have an overnight weekend 8-8 Sat & Sun.  This officially sucks (even my coworkers thinks so!).  The stinky schedule along with the stinky coworkers isn't making me want to stay employed here.  Not to mention I'm over not having money...for anything....and not advancing.  At least if I was making crap $ and had a shot at advancing, I'll deal with it but it's a very slow motion going on here.  I don't feel like I'm learning- and the technicians I do have on my side agree.  Since they moved me clinics every thing is wrong, but it's not as bad at other clinics.  I just wish they'd move me.  I'm hoping that it will be coming sooner rather than later.

However, I am still beefing up my resume so I can apply at some places.  Maybe get something where I get benefits again.  I really miss my insurance.  As much as I love my job- maybe relief is all I can do right now.  Getting a job where I can get out of debt and work towards going back to school- then maybe actually come back and be able to be used as reception and tech (not getting any flack- one can only hope).  Sidenote: I decided that I want to be a technician a little while ago.  I don't have my full degree anyway, I only have my AA.  I just want to finish school and be set in a direction.  I really do love my work- I also like working with team player people who want to help you grow (imagine that!).  For right now I don't think that it's in my cards to be here full time- although I'm not ruling out this place all together.  If I can find a Mon-Fri job and work my Wed & Fri/Sat I'd be happy.

Health: So things have been going slow and steady in the work out department.  I feel like I'm losing fat in areas, but also gaining muscle at the same time.  I have only lost 2 pounds so far but I see slight physical changes.  I love my gym and my trainer - and I've never been able to say that before.  Yeah, I like my gym (eh, it's a gym) and my trainer's cool.  This time I really love my gym.  I recommend them to anyone in the Orlando area.

http://fitnessfit4u.com/
(haven't figured out how to make the picture the link)

They discuss nutrition with you, they have group training, personal training (everyone is fantastic & knowledgable...especially Alpha), and they even offer food delivery for those that are on a time crunch or don't want to have to think about eating right.  I am very tempted by this and would love to do this- see first section for restrictions.  I get excited when I have the gym in the agenda!  It used to be excitement just for social reasons- personable trainer, training with the BFF. 




Ariel Yoga!



Now it's excitement because that's MY time.  I get to destress and push my body (in a good way when food is right, and not in the sick way that makes me hit the floor).  I know I say it every entry, and I'll keep saying- the gains on my weights get me excited.  I love seeing that on the machine I'm now curling with 100 pounds!  I'm over 50 on all other machine exercises.  I got put on this god-awful machine last session - it's mainly god-awful because I have to use it backwards because of my knee.  At my last set or 2 I was able to have him add 10 pounds onto the machine without dying!  I was so proud of myself- and have the bruises on my shoulders to prove it! :)  And because I'm in a picture-y type mood, here's the machine:

Just picture a person standing on this thing backwards- face inward towards the mat, in squat form so the shoulder section is on your shoulder and your squatting slanted into the machine.  Let's just say it's awkward...just about as awkward as the 6-foot something man showing you how he wants you positioned in the machine.

What gets you excited about working out?  What keeps you entertained enough to keep going and to come back another day for more!?