Should I stay or should I go?????

Things have been on a bit of a rollercoaster...at least mentally.
Going to break this up into 2 little updates....

Work:  My emergency clinic is definitely putting a lot of stress on my body, and my mind.  It is getting a little better but my schedule isn't.  The only thing I can slightly hope for is in mid-August when preggers returns it'll get a little easier and I can get my bearings.  Right now I work from 6pm-1am on Wed & Fri, and then I have an overnight weekend 8-8 Sat & Sun.  This officially sucks (even my coworkers thinks so!).  The stinky schedule along with the stinky coworkers isn't making me want to stay employed here.  Not to mention I'm over not having money...for anything....and not advancing.  At least if I was making crap $ and had a shot at advancing, I'll deal with it but it's a very slow motion going on here.  I don't feel like I'm learning- and the technicians I do have on my side agree.  Since they moved me clinics every thing is wrong, but it's not as bad at other clinics.  I just wish they'd move me.  I'm hoping that it will be coming sooner rather than later.

However, I am still beefing up my resume so I can apply at some places.  Maybe get something where I get benefits again.  I really miss my insurance.  As much as I love my job- maybe relief is all I can do right now.  Getting a job where I can get out of debt and work towards going back to school- then maybe actually come back and be able to be used as reception and tech (not getting any flack- one can only hope).  Sidenote: I decided that I want to be a technician a little while ago.  I don't have my full degree anyway, I only have my AA.  I just want to finish school and be set in a direction.  I really do love my work- I also like working with team player people who want to help you grow (imagine that!).  For right now I don't think that it's in my cards to be here full time- although I'm not ruling out this place all together.  If I can find a Mon-Fri job and work my Wed & Fri/Sat I'd be happy.

Health: So things have been going slow and steady in the work out department.  I feel like I'm losing fat in areas, but also gaining muscle at the same time.  I have only lost 2 pounds so far but I see slight physical changes.  I love my gym and my trainer - and I've never been able to say that before.  Yeah, I like my gym (eh, it's a gym) and my trainer's cool.  This time I really love my gym.  I recommend them to anyone in the Orlando area.

http://fitnessfit4u.com/
(haven't figured out how to make the picture the link)

They discuss nutrition with you, they have group training, personal training (everyone is fantastic & knowledgable...especially Alpha), and they even offer food delivery for those that are on a time crunch or don't want to have to think about eating right.  I am very tempted by this and would love to do this- see first section for restrictions.  I get excited when I have the gym in the agenda!  It used to be excitement just for social reasons- personable trainer, training with the BFF. 




Ariel Yoga!



Now it's excitement because that's MY time.  I get to destress and push my body (in a good way when food is right, and not in the sick way that makes me hit the floor).  I know I say it every entry, and I'll keep saying- the gains on my weights get me excited.  I love seeing that on the machine I'm now curling with 100 pounds!  I'm over 50 on all other machine exercises.  I got put on this god-awful machine last session - it's mainly god-awful because I have to use it backwards because of my knee.  At my last set or 2 I was able to have him add 10 pounds onto the machine without dying!  I was so proud of myself- and have the bruises on my shoulders to prove it! :)  And because I'm in a picture-y type mood, here's the machine:

Just picture a person standing on this thing backwards- face inward towards the mat, in squat form so the shoulder section is on your shoulder and your squatting slanted into the machine.  Let's just say it's awkward...just about as awkward as the 6-foot something man showing you how he wants you positioned in the machine.

What gets you excited about working out?  What keeps you entertained enough to keep going and to come back another day for more!?

Slowly black out

I have inadvertently been doing a low carb diet.  Well, I shouldn't say inadvertently- I was doing it on purpose but more in the aspect of reigning in my eating.  This has always worked for me in the past- I really watch my carbs (in the sense of pasta, rice, bread, crackers), always having one meal with none.  The days that I train I try to really beef up my amount of food and liquid because of it being in a warehouse I know it's extra stress on my body.

Last Friday I hit a brick wall of sorts.  I have been feeling very out of it that whole week - exhausted, all I was doing was sleeping in between times of running errands/eating.  One night I slept 10.5 hours and was still ready for more sleep after breakfast.  I actually did nap for about 30 mins before work.  It's ridiculous!  Well it was at it's absolute worst Friday.  I was training with Alpha- who even said when I walked in he could tell I was only there because I had to be (not good!)- and I was lightheaded/dizzy which was usual for the week.  I just made sure to go slow and steady and take water breaks.  It was really bad that I wasn't sure I'd be ok for work after- I was scared of the drive home after my shift.  I had already had a scare earlier in the week- I was not in the mood to tempt fate.  I tried my hardest to get my shift covered...to no avail.  I tried to finish my session but I looked at Alpha and was like I gotta stop.  Right then and there it took all that I had not to cry.  I was in that exhausted state where you just want to collapse and cry for no reason.  Not long after I said stop I started slightly seeing dark spots, getting shakey and my leg started bouncing (which if anyone watches me enough is my tell of when I'm at my max in anything).  We recounted what I ate that day and he said I was way too low on carbs and mixing that with my exhaustion I was really coming close to messing up my body.  He was nice enough to give me some of his liquid carb supplement (mixed it into my water- which side note: they lie when they say there is not a taste- there is and it is not good).  It was perfect, quick raise in my glucose.  It wasn't until I was more stable before he would let me leave.

Although through this debacle I had one of the best conversations:

Alpha: You want to move to the front? By the fan?
Me: No- can't really get up
Alpha: Want me to carry you?
Me: Really I'm ok, both of us don't need to be broken
Alpha: I'm a big boy I can handle it

And no- he did not carry me. We may revisit that once I'm smaller :P

So I've spent this weekend trying to keep up with my food- if only to keep eating every 2-3 hours so as not to completely screw myself again.  The exhaustion is still there unfortunately so I've been trying various energy drinks to keep me up enough to keep me out of trouble behind the wheel and at work.

I am very excited - my vitamins finally came!  I have been waiting for a while but with recent events I was super anxious for them.  I took just one today (supposed to take 3 tabs/day) to ease in as I can be sensitive to vitamins.  Seemed to work well at first (may spread the 3 out through the day- at meals so I keep the flow).  Come 1:45am crashing hard.  I was eh on my way to work at 7pm and was drinking my Monster which helped combat it for a while but now it's getting harder.

HIT Supplements

I'm excited- they are made for women who exercise & train.  I feel like Alpha trains me harder than I have trained in the past.  If only for the fact that he seems to have more exercises that he can think of in his arsenal for days that something hurts.  I loved my other trainer- he was great, effective but I think like everything in life: you grow, you change and require different things.  I am determined to show the first trainer that I can get this done- as long as you believe in me, and not ditch when I plateau- it can get done.  I feel like this is my time.  This time I will stick with it and things will change.  I enjoy working out more than ever this round.  Before I enjoyed it more in the social aspect than the exercise.  Now, I still enjoy the social aspect but I am more excited about the gains I am seeing in my weights that I lift and work with.

Tomorrow- or today is another session with Alpha.  I will be increasing my vitamins to 2 tomorrow since there was no nauseous feeling today, eating more- even if that means waking up to eat just to go back to sleep until time to go.  Ready to get this exhaustion under control!

What are your goals for Monday to make it a better week than last week?

Old bruises, new bruises, mysterious bruises

It's been a while- to be honest I have not been in the mood.  I have barely keep up with tracking my food and my points for the Super Summer Challenge.  I just have slowly been feeling more and more "eh".  This week unfortunately takes the cake.

I was training with Alpha on Monday and I really had to focus at the end for my legs to hold my body up.  He thought it was my arms and was quick to take the hand weights from me- it wasn't that.  I'm sure it has something to do with my water intake (seriously lacking lately) and my food (not the best as we've run out of some core things to make healthy meals).  I am doing great still and increasing my weights but I'd really love to decrease my physical weight.  I am going to see what I am next week (as I have lost nothing between my first and second weigh in)- if it doesn't go down 1-2 pounds I need to seriously revamp things. Not gonna lie- not really sure how given my financial situation but something will be giving.  I'm also hoping that when my new vitamins come in that will help.  With energy help, I'm also hoping the vitamins will help with the bruising.  I bruise so easily!  It's crazy- I can count 4 bruises on my legs, 1 of which just appeared today and I have no clue where it came from. This anemia thing is for the birds!  2 that I know what I did- the shin/ankle was due to the hell ropes and the knee was from falling on my butt- I was doing shuffles while rubber banded to a wall.  Those are never good exercises for those that are not coordinated.  Not that I'm hoping this vitamin is a miracle- although that'd be nice, if it works and I have a good response then I would feel more open to trying other products I'll definitely let you know how it goes.

I have felt so exhausted this week.  Monday was eh, Tuesday I barely moved from my bed or the couch unless I needed to, and today- I really felt weak while we were at Sea World (for all of the 2 hours grand total that we were there).  Driving into work today was a chore- almost felt like I was dozing.  Good thing this shift I work with great people.  If it was people I wasn't happy with- this could go a lot worse.  I am just very ready to be home and asleep.  Nothing is helping me get my energy up. :/

Speaking of work- I spoke with admin yesterday and I'm anxious for things to change.  I explained to her how uncomfortable I am at the clinic I spend most of my shifts at.  She said she will be looking to have me moved as soon as she can.  It's a situation where I do not feel supported, or helped to do my best.  I get more benefit from my other clinic(s).  I'm sure...well, I know these stress situations play havoc on my body.  I almost forget about it because I'm so used to it until it gets bad and side effects happen.  What happens when you get stressed out? Cranky? Stress eat?  How do you deal with the stress...and the effects?

I have training tomorrow night...7pm.  Slightly hoping that with not having to rush around for things that I will be feeling better.  As I type this my stomach is not very happy and I am very sleepy.  I wish I could sleep in- unfortunately I have a dentist appointment at 11 (I'd reschedule if it wasn't the 4-5th time we've had to reschedule).

Super Summer Challenge, among other things

I have a friend that is doing this little challenge over the summer months, it ends August 31.  The goal is to work on your body as well as your mind.  I love this- this is definitely an area that goes hand in hand.

You have items, she starts you off with some and you can create others that are specific for you, that are put into point categories.  It's really helpful in keeping the eye on the prize....given that you have prizes (that you pick) for the half-way mark of 5,000 points and then a grand prize at 10,000 points.  My prizes are the following: 5,000- I am going to get a 2nd ear piercing (this is the hole I want to have a gaged/stretched- not huge, just a step or 2 up from a basic piercing) & 10,000- there is a pair of Asics sneakers that I've been eye balling and would be great for my workouts.

This may be a quick update- completely drained.  Tonight I had a session with Alpha- he kills me, I always feel great after my workouts.  It gives me a nice little boost when we have to increase the weights after the first set of just about every exercise.  I don't know what it is about this round of training, but it's different.  Not sure if it's me, the trainer, my body- I definitely feel different this round...in a good way.  I keep saying it - hopefully making a self-fulfilling prophecy- it's going to be the round/year that this gets done.

Today I took a look at my super summer challenge points lists- my mind points were really low, not too much down time mentally (need to work on that) and my body points were out of this world.  I need to find more balance.  Which some of those mind points include cleaning around the house- which I desperately need to do.  I need to declutter...I feel very claustrophobic in the house.  Too much junk.  I need to sell, donate, trash stuff.  Now if I just had the down time to do this.  I work nights...my coworker called us vampires- pretty fitting.  I find it very hard to get motivated during day time hours.

What are ways that you motivate yourself to get things done?  I give myself a little goal/prize.  Example: I get the room vacuumed, laundry started, and laundry put away I then get to make myself some popcorn and watch a movie.

I also am going to be starting a new Bible study- this will be something I listen to in the car, or if I have down time at home.  I am very excited.  I think this will definitely help me find some balance.  I miss being able to go to Bible study.  A group of friends are actually holding their own Bible study. 

I'm done- this update is all over the place, no real flow or topic.  I attempted but failed- too tired to focus.  Hopefully next update will have more of a flow or a topic to expand on.

Baby steps

This weekend has been, for lack of better terms, the weekend from hell.  This just applies to my job- which from Friday night to Monday morning I work 31 hours.  I'm getting a break tonight and am able to update...which is hopefully won't be too far and in between while I am in the transition of getting a new computer.  I'm trying to get my stuff off my desktop in bits and pieces while it will let me before it dies and doesn't come back to me.  But I digress- the weekend from hell.

At my job there are 3 clinics that we all can, and some do, rotate around to.  I have been moved to the clinic that is in the boonies with the elderly, white trash, and country bumpkins.  Now this I can deal with- funny, irritating anticdotes.  What I can not deal with however is the staff that is rude and talk to me like I am stupid.  Of all the things I have dealt with in my life- being talked down to like I am stupid/slow/pick an adjective, that is a sure fire way to piss me off (no fuse just BOOM!).  I do not tolerate it, and I have quit jobs for less than some of the things I have put up with in this veterinary industry.  For every awesome vet, vet tech or receptionist I have met there are at least 3 idiots.  I deal with it to the best of my ability- which given I don't want to quit or go off on people, my come off as weak (there's avoidance, crying when speaking to my boss- crying due to stress/anger/frustration).  I am now at the point where I am going to have to have a sit down with my boss and let her know my concerns, also that I'd like to change clinics whenever possible.  Not to mention the crap coworkers on my shift, it's killing me in gas to get here for my shifts (round trip is 60 miles!).  You may be asking, what's new? Everyone deals with crappy coworkers.  'Tis true but I am relatively new and I am not getting a handle on skills I should have which in emergency medicine- no bueno.

Now I have rambled [generically] about my stress issues.  The part I am relatively proud of is this: no emotional eating was done.  Hooray!!!  This is a very big step for me- normally I'd be trying to find Reese's cups, M&M's, cakes.....you get the idea.  I didn't eat crap one time.  Did I almost cry? You bet!  Thank you PMS for that one.  I am very proud of this- baby steps in the right direction eventually lead to leaps in the right direction. :)

What is your stress relief?  Your good/bad habit when you are upset?

To make yesterday even better: I prepped all my food so there was very little to no crap to be found should I have made an effort to stress eat.  I grilled a couple fillets of chicken, made some broccoli & green beans, as well as some Teriyaki rice.  I brought a couple healthy snacks along for the ride, and some breakfast.  It was on like Donkey Kong and I totally kicked the Kong's ass.  :P  Proud doesn't even begin to explain how I felt about that day (well in my every day life).  The only way it would have been better was if I was having a training session right after the hell that was my Saturday shift.

Speaking of training.  I am so happy with my gains- I have been able to add weight to something every time I train.  I love it!  The only thing I am now slightly scared of is that I haven't been quite as sore after my training- good thing: gaining muscle (getting my strength back), bad thing: I'll have to tell Alpha (that's what we'll call my trainer) he will have to step up his game.  I love training!  I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I love being pushed- I am not the best at pushing myself.  I know at some point I will have to do it on my own but right now I do not feel that I have the skills to do so.  I need the help from someone who knows what they're doing.  So I 've got Alpha doing the physical aspect, and then I have a friend in Cali who's helping give me advice on my nutrition.  Which as you can guess is my biggest down fall of all.  Of course we all know, weight loss is 80% diet and 20% exercise.  I'm so glad I struggle on the 80% portion! (:/)

In case it hasn't become apparent, I am one who is able to laugh at themselves- find humor in life's unpleasantries.  I believe this comes from years of mocking and having to put on a straight face.  This is not always people's cup of tea- they take me a bit too literally sometimes.  I do understand that some people don't view it as funny all the time- unfortunately that was how I coped.  "If I don't laugh, I'll cry" - so I laughed, a lot.

I have more hope for this round.  I don't know why- I say it every time I attempt to lose weight.  I really do feel like this could be the turning point for me.  I am done with everything being in limbo, or in a cluster.  So I am working very hard on going through my stuff at home- dumping what I don't want and selling what I can for extra $$$.  Doing all I can to get my finances balanced - there are more things that I need to just be able to function then I can afford at the present time.  I also need to drop things that aren't a necessity.  This means I will be having to for-go what very small social life I do have.  This is my punishment for not having the right financial skills.  The only odd thing- I'm ok at this point with no social life.  I live to sleep anyway since the only people I see when I'm awake are coworkers at ungodly hours.  Who needs daytime socializing?!

I could continue to ramble- as I am at work and it is 5:15am, I have 2 hours left and am fading very fast.  Tired doesn't being to explain me right now.  I am dreaming of 9:00am - this is the time I will be home and on my way off to dream land.



Ok...Let's do this!

This is the first post, hopefully, of many.

I started this because originally I had a fitness and nutrition page on FB- didn't really help me to keep track of my food/exercise and was only minimally effective in getting feed back and motivation.  I viewed it more as a chore than anything.  Not really how you want to view something you intend to keep up with...just like exercise and eating healthy.  I believe it shouldn't be a chore to keep it up.  I should WANT to do it, get excited even.  This is not always the case for me.

Ever start and stop something a million times? Each time swearing that this is going to be the last time you start it- you will continue and make it through to your goal.  You are going to rock it like it's never been before.  This is me...only I have yet to making it to, rocking the goal like it's never been before.  I've come insanely close one time, but then life got in the way and knocked me slightly off track.  Well, then I let it continue to go off track and apparently was oblivious to the snowball the size of Montana that was rolling.

"What is this snowball the size of Montana?", you may ask.  That would be the ever growing epidemic of obesity/weight.  I have had a lot of things happen in my life the last, let's say, 8 years.  I wasn't always a chunky kid- I was quite tiny.  The nickname Olive Oil was heard a lot in my childhood.  It wasn't until that pesky time of puberty came.  I ballooned up- the weight came on inexplicably fast, along with the glasses (I'm surprised I haven't been told I'm legally blind), and of course the zits (what is puberty without those?!).  Still I was active- mom had me in ballet, tap, jazz.  Which random side note- parents: do NOT force your children to do dance if they are uncomfortable in spandex...especially if they are the chubby kid (commence mocking of said child). 

Anywho- we'll jump forward to my early 20's.  I was in a very bad car accident.  We're talking- in the hospital off and on for 6 months, had what seemed like a million CAT scans and MRI's, along with 2-4 surgeries.  Oh! I also lost all dignity- you have none when they are looking at you from every angle possible.  God has blessed me with a plate & screws in my left knee and my right wrist, I also have a rod in my left leg that runs from my knee to my hip.  The last major surgery was a bowl resection.  The other surgery or 2 was minor.  Yes I do look at this car accident as a blessing.  How you may say? Easy- it showed me that the road I was going down wasn't a good one (no pun intended but kinda cool it came about).  So I changed some of my ways- which always comes with the losing of friends you thought would be there.  Whatever- I've never been one to have tons of friends, but I have a small group of really good friends. :)

From the 6 months in the hospital I dropped weight like woah! I went from 220# to 160#.  To quote my sister- "you looked like a sick bobble head".  It was true- I was super skinny but it was a sick skinny.  So bobbly me was also stuck walking with a walker/cane due to injuries.  This leads me to wear I am as low as I have ever been in weight...literally can't remember when I was that small...and takes me up to my highest I've ever been.  Imagine you can't eat anything for 6 months then you are finally able to eat.  Yep- I can tell you, you will eat anything and everything under the sun that doesn't make you sick.  I went from 160# all the way up to 250#.  I started at a gym to work on my knee/leg and also to work on the weight issue. 

I learned the hard way, about a year or more, that you can't just do one or the other:
 
Working out + eating crap = holding weight    Eating right + not working out = holding weight

Apparently you have to eat right AND work out for this weight loss thing to work- imagine that!  So I finally got sick of the weight and my knee not getting any stablilty/flexibilty back (could be cause I have no clue what I was doing in a gym with machines) - I used a portion of my settlement monies from the car accident to get myself a personal trainer.  This was perfect- someone to hold me accountable and help me with food, worked great in getting my knee back in shape, and in me doing this it got my friend to get on board to help keep me accountable (bonus for her she got her butt in shape too!).  This was fantastic- I was seeing great results.  I was even able to at one point leg press my old weight of 220#.  I went from 250# all the way down to 175# the healthy way.  No more sickly bobble head!

As I stated earlier- life got in the way, I got comfortable because I had such a large gap between the danger zone of 200 and where I was.  This now brings us to where I'm at now...into the danger zone at 216#.  Not good!  I feel like I've lost all my skills.  I know what I need to do food-wise.  It's almost like I don't know how to find them and use them again.  I started and stopped multiple times- got a gym membership at Planet Fitness that wasn't worth the cost each month for how much I did NOT use it. 

Dropped that and went to my old trainer and asked for help.  He gave me the name of a guy and I'm back at training again.  Love the guy I'm [training] with now.  It's a very slow process of getting food back on track but it is my goal this year (talking May 2013- May 2014) to get down to 140# and be done with this stop/start BS.  When I'm in the swing of things I feel great and I love how I look.  I want to see how much I will love myself at 140# :P

This journal/blog/whatever you want to call it, is my final journaling attempt at my progress.  There is only so much more I can do this before it becomes self evident that it's not going to happen.  I'm 30- turning 31 in Oct.  I want to be done working for this.  I want to be at my maintenance level.  Thank you for joining me on this adventure....if anyone's even reading this. :)