Things are going a bit better in regards to work but I think that is also because I'm being relocated. Come August I will be at the busiest clinic and see how I do. I think I'll do just fine because I tend to do better when I'm busy- less time to second guess myself. I will also be with people who are more willing to help and teach- which is what I need. When I came to this slow/dead clinic they really messed with my head and what I already thought I knew- they operate completely different.
Working out is still going. I love training with Alpha! The only thing I need to work on is my happy face. He told me the other day I need to stop with the rolling of the eyes. I don't mean to! I was thinking about it since he told me that- I think a part of it is my frustration and anger with not just being over weight but also being "handicapped". Example: I was doing leg extensions on the machine and I was pushing myself (as per usual) but this last set I was pushing a little harder and I hadn't done that in quite a while. I almost brought myself to tears- I had to get myself in check real quick. Apparently I didn't do that great of a job because Alpha texted me the next day checking on me, "you looked a little more bothered than usual".
It's true, a good portion of me hates to work out but I think the part of me that enjoys it would take over more if it wasn't a fight at every point. I know it will be worth it and (Lord willing) will not be this way forever but right now I am struggling, mentally, more than I thought I was. Part of me knows, it is my own fault in the weight department. That isn't necessarily the problem where I get upset. It's the part I have no control over.
I never had a real down point in regards to my accident and what long term affects I would have. I know the arthritis- that's slightly whatever. I say that but I was just cursing myself out today on the drive into work. It's rainy and humid and my wrist and hip/back were killing me. My whole body was aching something fierce. I can't even slack off like a regular person! When I slack off yes I gain weight but so much more happens. My joints get extremely stiff and it becomes increasingly harder for me to squat down, to lift things, to walk/run/move quickly, walk decent to long distances. I was so focused on not taking meds (back story: when I did have down days in the hospital my mom would talk to the doctor and they'd try to get me on anti-depressants. I did not need meds I just needed to full out mentally deal). Then when I got released it was keeping up appearances for my mom because she was so dramatic and focused on herself- I didn't want to be a bigger problem.
Lately I have just felt like I need a good cry. Everything I've watched/read has had me wanting to cry if it is even slightly emotional. I need to get it out- start fresh on Monday. I need to be more positive or at least less whiney when I'm working out/training. I need to not be that kind of pain in the @$$ with Alpha. I may have a great personality but after so much it's not going to help. :)
It also hasn't helped that I haven't changed at all scale wise. The increases in my weight lifted/used is great and was keeping me on a high for a bit. Now I'm at the point that I'm going to be the strongest fat person he's trained. We're going to try to tweak some things and I have my vitamins and supplements on board so I'm hoping once I get the food tweaked and my new cardio homework for the days I'm not training (Alpha is making up some routines for me that I can do anywhere) I will see something. At this point I will take anything. Whether I eat good or I eat bad- the scale doesn't move!
This also is me- I am always dripping and gross and no scale difference!! Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe me with this round of getting healthy. Although a nice pick me up was when Alpha says to me the other day- "you always surprise me with how strong you are- how much weight you use".
I need to add that to my book of good feelings. Yes, I'm a nerd and I keep a little notebook of funny/cute/nice things said to me or about me. It's nice to look back on every now and then- even though some of them are from people who are no longer in my life.
I got nothing else to ramble about- hope anyone that's reading this has been having a less frustrating season than I have. :)
