Sporadic update

As I sit down to update, there's a wave of depression sadness that hits me.  I think it's all the stress/anxiety/struggle I've had recently.  I just feel very defeated and stuck. I know this feeling will pass but I hate when they hit....so I try to focus on things I do have control over.

I just [reluctantly] put in my notice at the Emergency Clinic that I work at.  School starts next month (ahh!) and I just can't do 2 jobs, school and working on me.  I know it is for the best- I may even be able to go back at some point.  This time being a technician :D

Since I am starting to work on my priorities (i.e. school over 2 jobs, working out over focusing on work), I am already starting to hit resistance again.  I went through this the first time I focused on me.  I thought that since they saw that I lost weight and was doing good that I wouldn't encounter it during the second round.  Boy was I WRONG.
The only person I have on my side (in my house) is my sister and even she isn't 100%.  No one can see why I spend so much on gyms/trainers/etc.  It's hard to explain....sometimes.  I am not an uber motivated person.  So when I find a place or person that motivates me/gets me excited to go I cling to that.  They usually understand why I'm putting myself first and focusing on me.  I am 31 years old and I have had way more things in my life that have affected by body then I should have.  Which I am fine with but given that I am getting older and my calling in life is very physically demanding-  I need to get myself back in check.  My job was much easier when I was much more fit.

In that voice- I am sad to say I will be cancelling my OrangeTheory membership.  As much as I do love it- it doesn't challenge me the way I like.  I like lifting weights, being physically challenged but not just in the generic cardio sense (treadmills).  I have gotten myself a Groupon for Title Boxing.  They are a gym that does boxing & kickboxing, as well as personal training with weights.  I am every excited and nervous.  I am not in the shape I used to be, but I know this will kick my butt and I will love it.  The Groupon I acquired gets me wraps and gloves (YAY!).  A friend of mine goes there and swears by it.  I'm just excited because I love to hit things. ;)
I did 1 or 2 sessions of boxing WAY back when I very first had a personal trainer.  It was so much fun...my whole body was sore and the time flew by.  I just need something that gets me excited.  I am going to sign up for my first class either next Wednesday or next weekend. I will make a note in my phone to update with how that goes.  :)

I'm ready for the inside me to match the outside me.

I have been done pretty good if I do say so myself in the area of tracking food, and I have definitely increased my water in take.  I will be taking a few more baby steps this weekend to be even more prepared then I have in the past.  I am down half a pound.  Not a tremendous drop but a drop none-the-less.  I really need to get moving...read the above, that will be fixed soon enough. :D

The love of my life...my Wiggle-Butt gave me quite a scare this weekend.  I have been watching his liver levels for quite some time.  The boy does have quite an array of issues and recently I've had to increase meds that do affect the liver.  This time we pulled his blood and once we spun it down to be sent to the lab, his serum looked yellow.  Now for those of you not in the animal field, or have any friends/family in there- yellow serum is a very strong indication of liver failure/issues.
So I spent Friday night....ok we're all friends here, I spent my weekend curled up, loving on my boy and some tears were shed.  Come Monday, results are 100% perfect.  In fact the boy has never had more perfect levels.  I don't know how it happened but I'm definitely not going to argue.

I get nervous when it comes to my boy.  He's now 7 (will be 8 in Dec), and is technically geriatric. :'(  My other sheepie I had growing up had to leave me at the age of 9 [his age].  He had a spinal tumor.  Now my Wiggle-Butt doesn't have a tumor but he's got a myriad of other issues- including degenerative joint disease, hip dysplasia, degenerative disc disease, spondylosis.  So more than likely his hips/back will be his undoing.  Anywho- I get nervous because I'd like this one to get to double digits.  Yes, I am an over worrier....any wonder I am in the field I'm in.

Riley | aka Wiggle-Butt |

Animals are my life.  I have also grown to accept that not everyone is like me, and I will be met with resistance.  I just never thought it'd be my family- who is supposed to support me. Yes, I am weird and following my happiness to work with animals- regardless of what my paycheck will be.  As much as I'd love to get a job I don't totally love and probably more financially stable, it's not in my cards.  I am at my best with animals.

I do wonder what it's like when you are actually surrounded by people who feel the way you do about your job/career.  The only job I've found that 100% in is at my Emergency Clinic.

Do you have a job that you love and no one in your circle gets it?  Or are you surrounded by people who get it and encourage you to go and excel?

M.I.A.

I have been MIA due to laziness, exhaustion and being constantly going.

Things are going a bit better in regards to work but I think that is also because I'm being relocated.  Come August I will be at the busiest clinic and see how I do.  I think I'll do just fine because I tend to do better when I'm busy- less time to second guess myself.  I will also be with people who are more willing to help and teach- which is what I need.  When I came to this slow/dead clinic they really messed with my head and what I already thought I knew- they operate completely different.

Working out is still going.  I love training with Alpha!  The only thing I need to work on is my happy face.  He told me the other day I need to stop with the rolling of the eyes.  I don't mean to!  I was thinking about it since he told me that- I think a part of it is my frustration and anger with not just being over weight but also being "handicapped".  Example: I was doing leg extensions on the machine and I was pushing myself (as per usual) but this last set I was pushing a little harder and I hadn't done that in quite a while.  I almost brought myself to tears- I had to get myself in check real quick.  Apparently I didn't do that great of a job because Alpha texted me the next day checking on me, "you looked a little more bothered than usual".

It's true, a good portion of me hates to work out but I think the part of me that enjoys it would take over more if it wasn't a fight at every point.  I know it will be worth it and (Lord willing) will not be this way forever but right now I am struggling, mentally, more than I thought I was.  Part of me knows, it is my own fault in the weight department.  That isn't necessarily the problem where I get upset.  It's the part I have no control over. 

I never had a real down point in regards to my accident and what long term affects I would have.  I know the arthritis- that's slightly whatever.  I say that but I was just cursing myself out today on the drive into work.  It's rainy and humid and my wrist and hip/back were killing me.  My whole body was aching something fierce.  I can't even slack off like a regular person!  When I slack off yes I gain weight but so much more happens.  My joints get extremely stiff and it becomes increasingly harder for me to squat down, to lift things, to walk/run/move quickly, walk decent to long distances.  I was so focused on not taking meds (back story: when I did have down days in the hospital my mom would talk to the doctor and they'd try to get me on anti-depressants.  I did not need meds I just needed to full out mentally deal).  Then when I got released it was keeping up appearances for my mom because she was so dramatic and focused on herself- I didn't want to be a bigger problem.

Lately I have just felt like I need a good cry.  Everything I've watched/read has had me wanting to cry if it is even slightly emotional.  I need to get it out- start fresh on Monday.  I need to be more positive or at least less whiney when I'm working out/training.  I need to not be that kind of pain in the @$$ with Alpha.  I may have a great personality but after so much it's not going to help.  :)

It also hasn't helped that I haven't changed at all scale wise.  The increases in my weight lifted/used is great and was keeping me on a high for a bit.  Now I'm at the point that I'm going to be the strongest fat person he's trained.  We're going to try to tweak some things and I have my vitamins and supplements on board so I'm hoping once I get the food tweaked and my new cardio homework for the days I'm not training (Alpha is making up some routines for me that I can do anywhere) I will see something.  At this point I will take anything.  Whether I eat good or I eat bad- the scale doesn't move!

This also is me- I am always dripping and gross and no scale difference!! Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe me with this round of getting healthy.  Although a nice pick me up was when Alpha says to me the other day- "you always surprise me with how strong you are- how much weight you use". 
I need to add that to my book of good feelings. Yes, I'm a nerd and I keep a little notebook of funny/cute/nice things said to me or about me.  It's nice to look back on every now and then- even though some of them are from people who are no longer in my life.

I got nothing else to ramble about- hope anyone that's reading this has been having a less frustrating season than I have. :)